fresh coffee on the front porch

one more reason

2012-01-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

here's the thing. there needs to be more parties. more celebrations. they don't need to be big, but they need to be more frequent. we don't take enough time to create joy in our lives!

i love parties. i love to celebrate people and events and nothing at all... i love that you guys dressed to the hilt last night and brought food and laughed and stayed and made the night something festive and wonderful. i love that all the wine was sipped and the margarita bucket emptied and the wood for the fire consumed. i love it all. and i love you guys. you are my people. you make my life rich. which is a whole separate reason to celebrate.

my next party is going to celebrate you... it's gonna be fabulous!
<3 rae

God, are you out there?

2012-01-24T19:24:00.000-05:00

this is what the moon looks like at my house tonight. (minus the mountains.) a sliver of crescent at the bottom, with the faint, full orb visible. i still remember the first time i ever saw a moon like this - full, but hidden. i was dumbstruck. suddenly the moon wasn't a light in the sky, but a wholly different entity that took my breath away.

tonight it reminded me of a conversation i had with kyra, who is starting biology today. biology was my hands-down favorite subject... mostly because of the jaw-dropping awe of complexity...not only of the world or the human body, but even the universes' tiniest pieces, and how terrifyingly interdependent we all are. i find it reassuring, all the complexity and dependence. it reminds that i am here on purpose, that God has created, and does create... that all is not lost.

for your consideration:

Arthur L. Schawlow (Professor of Physics at Stanford University, 1981 Nobel Prize in physics): "It seems to me that when confronted with the marvels of life and the universe, one must ask why and not just how. The only possible answers are religious. . . . I find a need for God in the universe and in my own life."

Fred Hoyle (British astrophysicist): "A common sense interpretation of the facts suggests that a superintellect has monkeyed with physics, as well as with chemistry and biology, and that there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature. The numbers one calculates from the facts seem to me so overwhelming as to put this conclusion almost beyond question."

George Ellis (British astrophysicist): "Amazing fine tuning occurs in the laws that make this [complexity] possible. Realization of the complexity of what is accomplished makes it very difficult not to use the word 'miraculous' without taking a stand as to the ontological status of the word."

Robert Jastrow (self-proclaimed agnostic): "For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries."

snippets

2012-01-24T17:12:00.002-05:00

in november i gave my much beloved cat, holidae, to my little brother vincent upon the arrival of our dog. she just refused to adjust, as evidenced by not one, not two, but THREE occasions of peeing on my bed... once right on my hand. anyways, rather than dump her in the pound, vinny offered to help me out by adopting her. he is a lovely boy. :) this is an email i received from him today:

Rae -- I don't know if you allow guest posts on your blog, but I thought you might like this transcript of last night's goings on. Thought it might make ya smile.

me: zzzzz...

Holi: mew

me: zzzzz...

Holi: mee-owww

me: zzzzz...

Holi: (wet nose)

me: grllrgh

Holi: (purr)

me: grllrgh

Holi: (cough) (spittle)

me: gross

Holi: (wet nose)

me: damnit Holi

Holi: (purr)

me: (roll over)

Holi: mee-oww

me: zzzzz...

Holi: (cough) (spittle)

me: zzzzz...

Holi: (purr)

and you know what? it did. it did make me smile. because holi loves vinny, i can tell. and he didn't shove her off the bed, so he loves her too. and i love him, regardless of cat adoptions. and he is getting married! which has nothing to do with the cat, but still! my baby brother is getting married! <3

what about....rachel?

2012-01-20T17:12:00.000-05:00

have you seen 'what about bob'? with bill murray and richard dryfuess? there is a hilarious scene where bob is strapped and tied to the mast of a boat, and he is yelling at the top of his lungs...

"i'm sailing! i'm sailing! i'm a sailor! i sail!"

i am having a 'what about bob' moment in my life. i've started going to wine & design when the budget affords, and i love it. like, really, really love it. i have so far only painted 2 canvases, and in my heart of hearts i sing to myself, "i'm painting! i'm painting! i'm a painter! i paint!"

now, understand, my paintings are not terrible... they're even lovely. but when i look at my old friend kim's paintings, i am awed at her stunning work. she is painter.

i had a moment when this crushed me. i realized am not a painter... just a girl who paid her money to take a class and ended up with a modest finished product. but.... but in my simple and ordinary way, i created beauty. i created beauty for my brother - the lucky recipient of my 'work'. it created joy within myself, which is really another form of beauty. and we, humanity, were meant to create and add to the beauty of what has already been created. everyone has an innate ability to give beauty form... in song, in invention, in molecules, in flowers, in children, in discovery, in happiness or hospitality or sculpture or kindness or friendship.

there was a song that was on sesame street when i was a girl. "sing, sing a song... sing out loud... sing out strong. it doesn't matter if it's good enough for anyone else to hear... just sing, sing a song." i nearly let the beauty of kim's art lead me to despair... to where i wanted to stop singing my small song. but you know what? i refuse to dampen the beauty. i choose to embrace the spirit of Bob. guess what, ya'll?

i'm a painter! i'm a painter! i paint! :)

subtle drift

2012-01-17T18:28:00.003-05:00

i got into my car today and realized i've become someone i never intended to be.

my prius - which i love - boasts numerous bumper stickers. even "hippie" bumper stickers. like, "love wins"... and a faded old 'toms' sticker, and even a sticker from a band. that i don't even love, but came free with the cd. and then the dog magnets... "dog mom" and "i love my rescue dog"... and looking at the stickers led me to the acknowledgement that not only am i a "dog mom", i'm a dog mom who puts a sweater on her (50lb) dog to walk her in the cold (45F. not that cold.) because she's adorable in it! somehow i have become a woman in her 30's whose car is covered with principled bumper stickers, who puts sweaters on her dog, and who, this very weekend, went to a fabulous local restaurant - the kind with actual ambiance - totally unshowered, and dressed remarkably like a homeless person. and i didn't even care.

i don't even know who i am anymore. :)

according to the intertubes...

2012-01-13T06:54:00.000-05:00

... a dog causes an average of nearly 2000 more arguments in a family per year! this surprised me, seeing as how swagger has really added mostly joy & family togetherness... but as i gave it some thought, i realized there is one argument that has been happening over and over. although maybe it's not so much an argument as me being a 4yr old and curtis having to play the role of Patient Dad (which fortunately he's very good at!).

Curtis: swagger - let's go! off the bed! it's bedtime!

(swagger looks at him, then at me, from her position in the absolute middle of the bed)

Me: but i want her...

Curtis: but you don't sleep as well with her in the bed...

Me: but i waaant her....

Curtis: but I don't sleep as well with her in the bed

Me: but i waaaant her....

Curtis: rachel. it's like sleeping with a 50lb bag of wet cement in the middle of the bed.

Me: iknowbutiwaaaantherinthebed...

Curtis: sigh.

Me: how about if we let her sleep her to start and if she makes you crazy you can kick her out! (valiantly trying to haul 50lb of wet cement closer to my side of the bed... failing tremendously.) see! she's on my side...

(at this point curtis smiles wearily and i know that (a) i've won this round and (b) he must really love me to put up with my crazy.)

Curtis: ok. but if i can't sleep i'm kicking her out.

Me: (curling up around swagger in the little space i have, laying my arms across her unyielding frame, and burying my head into her side) ok...

Curtis: sigh.

the highest form of flattery

2012-01-12T06:55:00.001-05:00

today's post is brought to you by curtis' blog - which was brought to his readers by frederick buechner. in describing a man who was influential in his life, buechner writes this: "... somehow or other he managed to have all of himself present in everything I ever heard him say or saw him do. You always came upon him whole, and when he gave you his attention, the gift was complete ... No matter how briefly you saw him, he left you with the feeling that you had genuinely met."

that is the kind of person i want to be. we spend a lot of time in my spiritual direction class talking about being present in the moment... being wholly present to the other person. our lives are built to prevent this gift of attention, though. there is always a distraction... tv, text, email, et al... and finding someone who you can always "come upon whole" is rare, to say the least.

i want to learn to be like this.

the optometrist

2012-01-09T20:32:00.001-05:00

while i am not yet "a woman of a certain age", i am, still, a woman of a certain age. and today, when i went to get my eyes checked, my optometrist said i probably didn't need a new prescription, but maybe just "anti-fatigue' lenses. this sounded wonderful to me, as my eyes are so tired at the end of the workday. he went on to describe them as "having small section in the lower third with a greater magnification for reading and focusing on the computer". i do believe i just got prescribed bifocals.

good news/bad news... or "i'm glad i'm leaving for work today"

2012-01-06T07:21:00.001-05:00

last night, while i was making a veggie stirfry, swagger was sitting so nicely, begging so sincerely. i told her she wouldn't want what i was making, but she continued to plead with her sweet eyes and cocked ears. so i jokingly held out the thick stem of a broccoli head, only to have her take it delicately from my hand between her front teeth and carry it into the living room. shortly thereafter, meg (my worrier), became overwhelmed with "what if broccoli kills dogs!", so kyra went downstairs to google "can i feed my dog broccoli?". she came up the stairs laughing, saying, "i have good news and i have bad news. broccoli is fine for her to eat, but it will make her farty!" now, swagger is prone to room-clearing gas at the best of times, so in an effort to stave off odorous disaster, i quickly went to grab the stem from the living room floor. alas, i was too late. swagger likes broccoli, apparently. all that was left was small pieces of discarded greenery. i feel bad for curtis working from home today....

questions

2012-01-05T06:46:00.001-05:00

how can it be that 2 days into my new year's resolution of losing 11 lbs i have gained 4? can somebody explain this to me? FOUR.

also, why do i want to lose 11 lbs? who, exactly, am i competing with? my leggy 14 yr old daughter? the impossibly photoshopped models on pinterest? that certain type of stay at home mom who spends her time exercising and walks around purposefully in her running tights & new balances? all of them? but why? why aren't i happy enough to be who i am, in a body that is a little worse for wear but that has done amazing things? why am i disappointed in a body that has no disease, no deformity, no pain? why do i give any credence to the obvious insanity of our culture?

honesty

2012-01-04T07:22:00.000-05:00

honesty. i have a drinking problem. not a "how much" problem, necessarily, but definitely a "why & when" problem. the days that i want a glass, or two, of wine more than anything are the days i am stressed or anxious...frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed or scared. on those days i crave the sharp smooth taste of a glass of red, longing for the fog it wraps around me. and it's about time i admitted that i know the fog is an insidious, evil lie. it promises to ease my anxiety, soothe my fears and calm my weary heart... and i want that so, so much. but in reality, it robs me. it robs me of the little time i have with my family, as i curl within myself, letting the fog separate me from their stories and presence. it robs me of feeling the sharp joys of life - the fog dulls everything without prejudice. and most importantly, it robs me of God. it robs me of recalling that i have faced smaller, and much larger, circumstances that God has brought me through. it robs me of the courage to depend on the One who has never abandoned me, never turned His back on me. it robs me of the chance to trust Him again... and so it robs me of our relationship. and it's also about time i acknowledged that relationship is the only thing that really does ease my anxiety, soothe my fears and calm my weary heart.

i'm probably not going to stop enjoying a glass of wine, but i definitely need to honestly examine my why's and when's.

i can't stop you from judging me because of this post, but i hope you won't. i hope it might even give you the courage to look at whatever is robbing you.

theories

2012-01-03T06:48:00.003-05:00

... and maybe i stopped blogging because i have to get up so early it takes me 20 minutes to be able to focus my eyes?

happy birthday, kyra!

2012-01-02T08:53:00.001-05:00

my first born is 14 today. four. teen. only 6mo from her learners permit, as she likes to remind me. yikes. she is taller than me... beautiful and smart and bookish and funny... she loves little kids and animals, and she is one of the two best daughters a mom could ask for. happy birthday, kyra! i love you more than you know. <3

backwards & forwards

2012-01-01T09:26:00.003-05:00

happy new year, guys! (btw - how is it that i went to bed after 1am, and am already up and coherent? there is something wrong here...)

i gotta be honest, 2011 was a really hard year at our house. (maybe that's why i stopped blogging? it was too hard to be lighthearted.) there was seemingly endless transition, anxiety & stress, and a new crisis every time i turned around. i will spare you the gory details, but my overwhelming sense looking back on 2011 is "oh my gosh. i can't believe we survived this year. i can't believe we're still standing!" however... i would be remiss if i didn't also acknowledge some of the gifts that accompanied this year.

the first that leaps to mind is killing a stuffed cow with ferocity even as i type this. ah, swagger. my darling darling dog! i love her. sometimes i am bowled over with love for her! curtis thinks i might even love her more than sleep! (what!?!?) i love how she brings our family together - walking around the lake, playing in the yard, strolling around the block - and how she makes the whole house happier. curtis says you can't be grumpy when there's a happy dog wagging at you. :)

then there's the gift of having made it. having overcome all the challenges together has led to a quietly renewed sense of "us" - of marriage identity and family identity. team mulder, alive and well.

i got to spend a whole week at the beach with my family... including mark & tina and The Twins. it was glorious.

i started a new, full-time job. while it sort of sucks to be a working mom, it is also a job that saved our financial life. it is definitely a gift.

i have learned, and am learning, a lot in my spiritual direction class. to quote celine dion (heaven help me), 'there were moments so golden, there were flashes of light..." :)

so bring it, 2012. bring your challenges and your gifts. i have my family and my dog and my God, nevermind the other beautiful, wonderful people that populate my life. who could ask for anything more?

new year, new blog?

2011-12-31T09:55:00.000-05:00

recently i've had several friends say that i should start blogging again... what a lovely sentiment! :) i would hesitate to call it "popular demand", but i think blogging again is one of my 2012 plans. woot! i must warn you, my little community of readers, that it will probably be different this time around. i started blogging for my own sake, then as a way to share my life with my brother, and my overall tone was always intentionally lighthearted. i think i only want to come back to blogging if i allow myself to be more real, you know? not just the happy & fluffy, but also the hard and painful. more a true reflection of life. i hope you'll stay with me, fellow humans, and comment and suggest and enjoy reading. maybe we can make a little community of people on the porch... but let's start by being honest. we're probably going be drinking wine at least as often as we're going be drinking coffee. :)

beauty (sorry, jess...it's a long one)

2011-08-28T18:19:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking a lot about beauty lately. it started one day while i was cruising through the berry and came across post after post of terrible plastic surgery. one picture that struck me particularly was this one...

i couldn't figure out why 2 young women would absolutely obliterate themselves like this. i mean, it seems to me that they didn't just change their faces... something inside of them changed, too. it's like they tried to erase who they were entirely. i can't imagine the kind of self-loathing that would take.

so i started thinking that i wanted to post a rant against plastic surgery. i looked at those girls and all i saw was hurt, and how our culture had smashed into them over and over until they believed the lie that they weren't enough, weren't beautiful, as themselves. i was going to flay our western life.

last night we had dinner with friends who have an infant daughter. we got to talking about raising girls, and how careful you have to be how you talk to them about them. i never tell one of my daughters how beautiful they are (and they are beautiful!) without also telling them how smart they are (also true) or how i noted their kindness or generosity or inner beauty in some way. i want them to be confident in their appearance, but also know that it's not the thing on which they should hang their hat, you know?

and then i had a conversation at church today with a friend who got a haircut she didn't like. if you know anything about me, you know that i am unusually passionate about cute hair. :) so when my friend bemoaned her hair, she had me at hello. but then she said, speaking of her young daughter, "i always tell her it doesn't matter what you look like, it doesn't matter if that's your favorite dress, all that matters is how you treat people... what your heart looks like. and here i am whining that i don't like my hair!"

suddenly, the confluence of those conversations overwhelmed my plastic surgery fury and something shifted inside of me. i remembered that we are created for beauty. God placed man in the garden of eden, the epitome of lushness and beauty. God created man & woman "in his own image" - and God is described variously in the Bible as beautiful, radiant, full of splendor, glorious, like the dawn...the list goes on an on. and if we are created in that image, we are also created for beauty. even "capital B" beauty. to long for it, to create it, to reflect it, to be drawn to it. from a painter with his palette to a chef with her cakes, we all long for splendor. the mom who delights in braiding her daughters' hair, the engineer who creates perfection in the machine, the tourist lost in front of a painting at the louvre, the gardener who plants a riot of flowers... we are all obeying an innate drive to participate in the creation & celebration of beauty. and now, when i look at those girls, instead of railing against culture or wanting to call them idiots, i feel very, very sad. they have an inner drive toward beauty, but they don't know what it means. they may not have ever had someone celebrate the beauty they were - inside and out. i see them and think how we have gotten this so wrong. and my heart breaks for them.

i said some of that to my friend this morning, and she reacted with surprise. the idea that the small, seemingly petty desire for cute hair could be a reverberation of something deeper, something more real, caught her off guard, i think. don't get me wrong - the way we look should neither be the capstone nor the cornerstone of our lives... but it seems to me that we do ourselves a disservice when we shrug it off as shallow, or beneath us, or even worse, "unchristian". we worship a God who every night paints a sunset, who created, for example sea slugs - sea slugs! - that are some of the most beautiful creatures on our planet! and they have no need for beauty! i think it was just the pure joy of God in decorating them that we get to witness when we see them. we should get to participate in that joy!

what if, instead of following a list of do's and don't's, trying to be good little girls (or boys), we tried to live in a way that created beauty, even just a little bit, in every moment. if we asked ourselves in each interaction, "how can i add some beauty here?" if we told someone when we thought they were being beautiful in how they were... or that we thought they had a beautiful smile, or laugh, or hair?

i believe that humanity was created on purpose. i believe we were created to reflect the image of our Maker, and that he is Beauty. any beauty we create, long for, or experience is simply an echo of that ultimate Beauty.

oh, crap.

2011-07-17T19:43:00.000-04:00

it hit home tonight, twice.

the first time was when we walked into our local k-mart (target, i miss you!), and there in front of us was a rack full of "sanderson spartan" gear - sanderson being the high school kyra will be at this fall. she eagerly picked out a cute t (and paid for it herself), giddy at the thought of school spirit and high school and who knows what else. then, on to kroger. where a very friendly young cashier asked me if The Girls were my daughters. smiling, i said yes... only to be dismayed as he turned to kyra and his friendliness morphed into flirtatiousness, and he asked her if she was SEVENTEEN!! seventeen. 17. one - seven. she giggled... giggled & blushed... and preened. like some sort of cockatiel!

watching her as i paid for my groceries, i realized there was no going back. my little girl is a teenager. oh, crap...

the world is weird

2011-06-21T19:51:00.000-04:00

you know what's weird? that curtis can send me a text message from jo'burg, south africa, but his laptop won't recognize the ip to send me an email. that seems so...upside down to me!

but the good news is he landed safe & sound! hooray! :)

a christmas miracle!

2011-06-18T20:13:00.000-04:00

i had a saturday.

no no - you don't understand... I experienced SATURDAY today.

i can't recall the last time this happened to me. i mean, i still did a lot of stuff - got up before 9, did kid driving around back and forth to durham, ran to the store to get a swimsuit (wah!), fed everyone lunch and dinner, cleaned the kichen, did 3 loads of laundry (including folding and putting away!), took kyra and molly for a walk around shelly lake, ran to kroger to return our redbox & get the girls ice cream. but i also got a nap, sat at the pool for an hour, got rained on, and felt a peaceful, yet productive, rhythm in my day.

now it's 8, and the girls are settling in for a movie, and i am feeling... sabbath. shalom. peace in my heart. even inner tranquility. it's a feeling so foreign to me ... it has been a long, long time. so i am going to savor it... sit here and enjoy a glass of wine and let it wash over me.

peace.

i'm late!

2011-06-17T07:18:00.000-04:00

i am procrastinating going to work. in about 7 minutes i am going to have to race through brushing my teeth to get to work on time by the skin of said teeth. but who cares? :) it's friday!

nothing new to report, other than i think when holidae goes to cat heaven we're going to get a dog. :) if you've followed this blog at all, you know that i'm pretty sure God wants us to have a dog, and now even curtis might want us to, after the highly successful dogsitting we experienced this week. successful but for poor holidae, who didn't leave my room for 4 days, even to eat or drink. :( she's clearly not a dog person.

also, curtis is going to africa on monday! he's going with a group from our church to visit & serve the children's cup care point that ekklesia supports. i am jealous. AND he gets to go on a safari. i am SUPER jealous. stupid curtis. :)

my 7 minutes are up. (i must be a slow typist) excuse me, but i have to go brush my teeth...

the pool

2011-06-14T20:17:00.000-04:00

tonight after dinner i took The Girls down the road to the pool for a bit. (God love curtis, he did the dishes and wrapped potatoes for me so i could be the "fun" parent for a change.) i was pretty tired, and it wasn't warm enough to lay out (i can see you shaking your head from here, jessica), but i'm so glad i did.

the pool brings out in The Girls a side of them that i rarely get to see anymore. they are attached at the hip, laughing and somersaulting each other over & under the water, calling to one another, seeking the other out, skipping from pool to diving board & back again in tandem. they clamber into my car grinning and sopping, finishing each other's sentences and regaling me tales of ruthless lifeguards & girls with bikini's too small.

and i love it. the tween/teen thing has plenty of bickering and teasing that leads to tears, posturing and pestering and down right bothering each other - sometimes i swear they do it just to make me crazy. but tonight, at the pool, my teenagers became little brown eyed girls again. maybe even mermaids.

exactly.

2011-06-13T19:30:00.002-04:00

the working mom's lament

2011-06-08T06:55:00.000-04:00

today is kyra's 8th grade graduation. i had made arrangements with my work to come in late so i could go and watch her graduate with all her various distinctions... but then one of my co-workers had to leave town for a funeral. totally out of her control, and very sad. the nature of my work, though, is such that there are minimum staffing requirements, and with her gone, i must be present. so this morning curtis and meg will be there to cheer her on, watch her receive her awards & national honors society sash, and i will be at work - missing it.

today i hate being a working mom.

bank tellers & pizza delivery guys

2011-05-25T19:50:00.003-04:00

2 things of note happened today.

the first happened while i was hard at work being a banker. a regular customer pulled up to the drive through to cash a check, and as i sent the drawer out to her and said my hello's through the microphone, she smiled at me, twirling a stem of jasmine in her fingers. she gently dropped it in and said, "you have to smell this!" so i drew the drawer in and held the fragrant white blossoms up to my nose while she endorsed her check, and for a moment we traded places. i was outside in the hot carolina air, breathing in jasmine and grass, and she was ensconced in the business of money and signatures. i traded back her jasmine for the check and the spell was broken - but it lingered in my smile and in the lightness i felt at being passed the small gift of summer's fragrance.

the second occurred driving with the girls to shelly lake for an early evening stroll. we were passed by a pizza delivery car, and meg promptly said, "i do NOT want to be a pizza delivery driver!" a quick litany ran through my mind of all the reasons why (a) that was true, and (b) i was glad she recognized that fact. all of my illusions were shattered, though, when she finished her thought with, "because you would have to drive around all day smelling that glorious pizza and it would be torture!" oh, well. i guess if it keeps her out of the pizza delivery game it's good enough for me. :)

people

2011-05-21T17:27:00.003-04:00

you know, i think that life is not necessarily "what you make of it". you can work really hard and build a rich, successful & powerful life and be terribly unhappy. you can make all the "right" choices and end up miserable. you can surgically alter yourself, make yourself "better"... but still be lonely. life isn't what you make of it. i think that maybe a life is made of the people who populate it.

i mean, take for instance my job. it's just a job, an 8 - 5 thing i get paid (not-so-great) to do... but i really love it. and you know why? the people. i have great co-workers - they make me laugh, they help me when i don't understand something or when i need a hand getting something done in a flurry of activity. considering that we spend all day within fingertip reach of each other, these are important things! i like going to work in part because of the three of them. (not to mention our customers, who run the gamut from lovely gift-bearing folks to run-of-the-mill to plain old odd.) :)

truly, my whole life isn't what i've made it. last night, our housewarming party revealed that loud and clear. our life is what it is because of the presence in it of all the crazy & wonderful people who were represented there ... and those who couldn't come. the richest, most fulfilling, most life-giving thing in my life i didn't make or cause to be. it's you guys. our friends. who give, laugh, listen, garden, support, love, feed, haul boxes and share your lives with us. we have the best people. not to mention my family, far-flung but wildly loved. that is what makes my life.

if i have made any of it myself, i can only claim to have excellent taste in friends. :)

misery loves company

2011-05-18T18:03:00.005-04:00

i am not unreliable. i'm NOT. i used to be, but it's one of the things that i really worked hard to overcome. i learned - i thought - to make plans and stick to them. let my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no".

but dammit, i missed a really important appt this past weekend, and i missed it 2 months ago, too. so today i got an "i am very disappointed in you" email, & now i feel like i don't even know who i am. maybe i just totally suck. maybe i am flakey and flighty and lame. at least that is how i feel. :/ i want to quit my life and hide i a hole where i can't disappoint anyone.

welcome to my pity party.

in the past 5 months, i started working full-time for the first time in 10 years - with a 40 min commute one way. 3 weeks ago we moved into our new house - selling, buying, packing, uhauling & unpacking. now our kids have the 40 minute commute. we are trying to get the girls transferred to the schools we hope they can attend. curtis is going to africa in a month, and i don't even know the dates on which he leaves & returns. we are in the first year of our church plant. (that alone is enough insanity to make a grown woman cry.) our girls have had chorus, jr. national honors society, ib ambassador events, violin lessons, and the rest of the scheduling nightmare of tweens & teens. i am lucky to have one free night a week, and even luckier if it's the same free night curtis has. there are 4 or 5 couples we are trying so hard to find time for socially, friends we love and barely speak to, let alone get to spend time with. there is always a saturday event (or 3), and sundays are full from dawn til dusk - the last 3 weekends for me were children's ministry, worship team, children's ministry. (all of which is good, but... sabbath? what is that?) . i collapse into bed every sunday night swearing that "this week will be more relaxed"... but it never is. if nothing else i have laundry, dinner, housework, work-work, homework... and squeezing in time to blog when i should be doing the dished & doing pilates. (not to mention finding time to be sexy ... again i have to ask ... what is that?)

i know i'm not the only one with a crazy life - i know. but today, that email made me feel like shit. (again - sorry if my profanity offends you. tell it like it is or don't tell it at all. my new philosophy.) i didn't MEAN to miss it! i thought it was this saturday. i am not a terrible person. i am an overwhelmed person. where is the grace for that?

formal pics

2011-05-15T08:18:00.004-04:00

my oldest friend, cynthia, commented that the 8th grade was not kind to us... and boy, was she right. i have the pictures to prove what an awkward girl i was! :) kyra does not seem to suffer the same malady.... she was absolutely breathtaking last night. and i laughed when i picked her up and asked, "did any boys asked you dance?" and she rolled her eyes at me and said, "i said no to all of them... the kind of dancing they wanted was NOT appropriate." that's my girl! :)

scramble!

2011-05-14T11:07:00.005-04:00

my brain is a scramble. there are 3 or 4 posts i have all rolling around, and i've started a couple of them. but let's go with these abbreviated thoughts. :)

materialism. i thought i wasn't in it's clutches, but apparently i am. it's an insidious little mo'fo. (did i just offend you? i'm sorry - but you have to call a spade a spade.) the pergola for the deck leads to pulsating desire for new deck furniture. and new deck "decor". and patio lights. i am not buying any of it... i am going to fight off this hydra with every bone in my body. i refuse to let my life consist of my possessions. (luke 12:15)

kyra's formal. seriously - how wonderful is it to be 13 and lovely, with friends and a dress...shoes, hair & makeup...heading out to a big dance at a "fancy" hotel (all hotels are fancy when you're 13) for a long night of food and laughing and pretending to dance. obviously, some poor girl will end up in the bathroom crying, but that's part of the experience, too. hopefully it won't be kyra. if the pictures aren't too .... scary? grown up & alarming? ... i will post some for you. :)

new house. funny how i don't miss our old one. or even think about it. i think my heart had left that area a long, long time ago, and the house was really the last thing that kept us there. we are fully in our new life now, and it's achingly beautiful. our new little home, our people, our church, even my job ... it's like God dumped heaps and heaps of undeserved happiness all over us.

family. as in, extended. since moving, i have had a deep and sustained longing for my family. mom and dad, ben & kari, mark & tina, vince & emily... i miss them. we live so far from all of them that i am well accustomed to it, and i usually don't think twice about the distance. we are all in pretty good touch, and that's just the way it is. but lately, man. it's just not enough. i need them.

curtis told me last weekend that he's been with me (including dating) for half of my life. oh.my.gosh. for some reason that has really thrown me for a loop. maybe it's just that it makes me feel old? i can't shake it, though. weird.

thanks for letting me get that all out. :) ttyl

a real mother's day weekend

2011-05-08T20:45:00.002-04:00

this was a weekend that truly encompassed all that it means (for me) to be a mom.

first, a looong overdue date with curtis friday night. then saturday i was up early, helping kyra empty out her room and get it ready to be painted. spend 4 hours painting - with a trip to lowes for more paint...ungh! - and in the midst of the painting washed and dried 2 giant loads of laundry (altho it is admittedly still unfolded). then i made a delicious supper of tortilla pie, fed everyone, cleaned the kitchen and got the girls settled for curtis to have a quiet night to write his sermon.

sunday dawned bright and early, dragging the girls (and myself) out of bed to get to church early for set up and worship team - my first sunday singing in ages. i hauled tables, put up giant curtains (wrong) and then did the service and went for cheap chinese for lunch with a bunch of folks. stopped at kroger on the way home with the girls (curtis drove separately) and while there for laundry soap & lunch snacks there was much attitude & stalking about the store with arms crossed from smaller people in my family than me. finally home around 2:30, and then off to lowes (again) with curtis for (hooray!) my mother's day present... a gorgeous pergola for the back deck. an hour or so assembling it, just in time to have friends over for chips & salsa and when they left (around 7) it was get the girls into bed (disasterous, but that's another story) and collapse into my own bed with curtis to catch up on our hulu queue... but one 43 min episode of 'house' is about all i can manage tonight.

tomorrow it's off to the races again (at the bank), with frozen lasagna for dinner tomorrow because i didn't have time to get anything more than stopgap groceries at kroger. someday i'll catch up on everything, and the laundry will be folded and the girls will be content and the pantry will be full of food... right?

not-so-little-people

2011-05-07T18:20:00.004-04:00

i have been a mother now for 13.5 years (yikes!) ... and if i've learned anything in that time, i've learned that just when you think you've got your kids figured out, they change. and it's one of my favorite things about motherhood.

i love watching who The Girls are becoming unfolding right before my eyes. i love seeing their personhood develop, their minds expand & their intellect grow. i laughed today to open kyra's door and find her asleep in half in/half out of her closet on the floor because her bed was covered in the detritus of a 13 year old girl. i secretly love how meg is hanging on to her love of american girl dolls & imagining them alive. when kyra sits and read to meg it melts my heart, and when meg does kyra hair all up in braids so it will be curly the next morning i feel a great contentment come over me.

yep. i hate it when they bicker. true, meg can really push my buttons and kyra is passive aggressive. yes, motherhood is relentless and no one can make me crazy the way The Girls can. but they are also becoming interesting, beautiful, complex and wonderful young women, and that makes my heart fat & happy. :)

and so, i leave you with my favorite quote about motherhood. "every mother is like moses. she does not enter the promised land ... she prepares a world she will not see."

an open letter to my husband - (or why i think God wants us to get a dog)

2011-05-03T20:39:00.002-04:00

dear curtis,

i am so happy with our new house, our beautiful family and with you. you are the best husband any wife could ask for - truly. i love your courage to follow your calling, and i love the community we are all building together. i know that it is sometimes hard for you, and i am proud of how you persevere. i love you. (for some reason that all sounds sort of sarcastic, but it is all really, genuinely true and sincere. you are the best. i love you.)

i've been thinking lately about how we want to get to know our neighbors, and how building relationships is so important to us...and i've been wondering how that will look for us here on this little street with all it's various people. and after much soul searching, i think God wants us to get a dog. it hit me while i was having my quiet time this morning.

people with dogs pass our home dozens of times a day. they smile and talk to each other while their dogs sniff and spin and sit. they get to know one another at dog parks and vet clinics. they even get more exercise. but most importantly, the first point. they get get to know one another. it's a great way to engage the neighborhood!

so i think that we should consider getting a dog....not because *i* want one, but because perhaps God is calling us to get one. of course, let's be honest, i won't be the one getting up to let it out in the wee hours, but that's why we have children. :)

1000 hours

2011-05-02T19:09:00.002-04:00

according to the "powers that be", and vaguely scientific things like "surveys", it takes a thousand hours in a space before it feels like yours. this is probably why kitchens feel homey, and tv rooms win out over living rooms - and why being in this house, full of all my things, feels so weird.

not that i'm not happy with our choice of home - i definitely am! not that i wish we hadn't moved from durham - it was overdue. and not that my things look out of place or odd - they actually look quite lovely! but i'm not even close to a thousand hours in this house... and we haven't really made any memories here yet... and i'm on the adrenaline let down from the stress of moving... so it's ours, but it doesn't feel like ours. even holly & satchmo wander around looking out of place. poor kitties.

but every day logs another set of hours, early mornings and dinner hours, to put ourselves into our house, until our house becomes our home. 72(ish) hours down... 928(ish) more to go...

my backyard smells like honeysuckle

2011-05-01T20:18:00.003-04:00

i used to write, and once i wrote this...and now my yard smells like the vine. bliss.

pull the wild honeysuckle from the vine
and put it in my hair

with your too large fingers
tuck the stem
behind my ear and
lean into me
and breathe

i will be the vine
and you can be the branch
the two shall be one
and we will be
wild honeysuckle

pulled from the vine
tucked behind the ear of a pretty girl
by the boy who loves her

animals are people, too!

2011-04-30T17:06:00.002-04:00

well into my 4th load of laundry, 2nd dishwasher load and fresh out of nails for the pictures, i figured i'd sit down and regale you with our moving adventures!

the biggest moments both center around satchmo, kyra's beloved cat, who vanished during the move. grown men were nearly moved to tears watching my daughters persistent, gut-wrenching search...it was horrible. the worst was that we weren't coming back to the house that night - so even if he came home, we'd be gone. suddenly, one of the men helping us moved pulled up to the curb in his car (i hadn't noticed he'd left), hauls a huge black & white long hair cat out of his car and says, "PLEASE tell me this is your cat?" all of us were on the driveway, and kyra burst out laughing and said, "no!" he refused to believe her. "seriously? this is NOT your cat?" "no!" by now the whole driveway is laughing as he turned back to his car sighing, "i have to go put this cat back now." he drove off leaving the only smile i had seen all day on kyra's face - so to me, it was a mistake well worth it.

we sat on the porch long after the sunset - kyra, meg, sarah & i - while curtis (God love him) vacuumed up the house. despite many tearful calls and whistles, he never showed. kyra went to bed with a heavy heart, and so did i. there was some talk that he had gotten nervous and hidden in the dresser drawer, so she was holding out hope that he was locked in our u-haul. i didn't have the heart to tell her that she was betting on a long shot.

late the next afternoon, after closing both the sale & purchase of our homes, (with heavy hearts and no joy at all - kyra quietly crying the entire time), we finally pulled the uhaul up to the new house and flung open the back door. suddenly, screams of "I HEAR HIM! I HEAR HIM! MOM! MOMOMOMOM! SATCHMO IS IN THE TRUCK!" rent the air. immediately my heart leapt! i couldn't believe he was actually in the truck! kyra had not lost her best friend!

of course, he was in the last drawer we opened, wide eyed and numb - not even meowing by the end of it! and miraculously, he hadn't soiled the drawer in any way - bladder of steel, that cat!

now, 2 and a half days in, we are pretty much unpacked. pictures are on the walls, plates are in the cupboards, clothes are on the shelves... but most importantly our family is together. ALL of us. :)

cynthia, this one's for you.

2011-04-25T20:08:00.002-04:00

you got a smile so bright! you know you could've been a candle

i'm holding you so tight...you know you could've been a handle

the way you swept me off my feet, you know you could've been a broom..

and babe you smell so sweet, you know you could've been some perfume...

you could have been anything that you wanted to, i can tell....

the way you do the things you do -

i like the way you do the things you do!

finally moving on

2011-04-23T17:37:00.003-04:00

i feel like charles dickens.... "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." because it was, you know, a time when some of the best things and best people came into our lives. but it also had some of the worst things and hardest things we've ever endured. and next week it truly comes to a close when we walk away from the house and city that contained it all to continue our story in a new home and a not-so-new city.

this new life is crazy beautiful ... the kind of life you don't usually get to live. following an adventurous call alongside some of the most unbelievable people you could imagine. people with heart and spunk and laughter and love - people who are excited about who God might actually be, and what He might actually do.

this is not a fearful future...it is a wide open future waiting with open arms for us to fling ourselves into.... look out! here we come!

farewell, old friend...

2011-04-10T14:45:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting conversation this morning, one that left me feeling rather maudlin. As we stood around talking about our impending move, a couple of my friends said things along the lines of, "I want to come say good-bye to your house", "I have so many good memories of your place" and "We've had so much fun there". As I reflected on that, it's true. This house has seen a lot of good times - parties, dinners, games, sporting events, deep conversations & raucus laughter, family chaos... all the stuff of genuine friendship and community. It really does have a lot of happy ghosts in it.

But...

The thing that made all those things great and beautiful and memorable was the people who shared them with us. YOU made those things ... not the house. Rob's shock at winning the Golden Head for 'most encouraging', Simpson & Steve being inappropriate with window writing markers, Vinny teaching The Girls about the civil war, Mark & Tina watching their daughters make me fat, hours of eucher, catan and some games i hate with Josh & Mamie, new year's eves, Christine winning best dressed at my 80's birthday, Sabrina's glorious cakes at said birthday party, wine tastings with Shanna & Andrew, JJ & Angela's first date, dozens of smaller groups, everyone meeting Mark, tearful conversations, ekklesia's first steps... none of them mean anything without you guys... the people who we love.

So here is what I would ask from you as we leave Morningside Drive. Come and fill our new home with happy ghosts. Come and sit, and play and drink and laugh. Continue to fill our lives with yourselves... your beautiful, complex, funny, sad and true selves. Our lives are empty without you... a house is just sticks and stones, but a home is where our lives intersect in a million little ways. The new place is just a hop, skip and a jump away, and it needs you even more than it needs furniture. Consider this my standing invitation to you to make our house our home.

Oh, and if you could come help us move, that'd be great, too :) I love you guys. Deeply & truly.

now that i'm a grown up...

2011-03-25T18:51:00.000-04:00

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

selling the house

2011-03-02T21:02:00.001-05:00

ok ya'll. we are selling our house. any takers? :)

conviction

2011-02-15T14:06:00.001-05:00

where do you put your "weight" when you pray?

as i reflect on my own history of prayer, i so often throw myself before God with the heavy weight of my need in the forefront. i pour my heart out, trying to convince God, as it were, of the absolute necessity of my request - whether it's for myself or someone else. i list the reasons my prayer is worthy, the need true, and why God should be moved by the passion of my concern. and alongside that stands my belief that God hears me, that He is active & present in the world, that He is the powerful creator & sustainer of all things who loves us more than we know.

the weight of my prayer, though, the deepest conviction i carry into my times of prayer, is that of the need, not of the God who meets needs. i have come to see that when i pray, i am much more sure of my need than i am of my God, and while this may seem like splitting hairs, i am learning profoundly that it is not.

i have begun to attempt - when i bring the needs of my life, and of those i love, before God - to place the deepest passion and weight of my heart upon my God, our God, who is supremely powerful & knows everything i could ask before it crosses my lips. you would be surprised how much mental energy it takes to reorder my heart that way.

it's such a relief, though, when i am able to take the pain & hurt, the overwhelming circumstance of life, and see them become almost bouyant in the arms of God - He takes them so easily. and it doesn't just reorder my experience of prayer... rather, it is beginning to reorder my whole internal world. i am beginning to find a deeper and richer experience of God in the mundane & everyday-ness of life, as well.

theophan the recluse once said, "most people are like a shaving of wood which is curled round it's central emptiness." it's a melancholy thought when one considers everyday life, but a devastating one when considered in terms of our conversations with God. without the knowlege of a God we are sure of in the center of every thought & prayer cast upon him, what are our prayers but wood shavings, curled around nothing?

i cannot encourage you enough to consider this honestly. where do you put your conviction when you pray? it is in your request, or in your God?

o holy night

2010-12-15T15:58:00.000-05:00

It is dark, the interior lit only by the lamp hanging in the corner. Joseph leans over Mary’s exhausted body to tie off the cord connecting mother and son. Then, carefully wiping his much-used knife on the edge of his cloak, he severs it. Tenderly, he kisses her forehead, in awe at the strength and utter gentleness of her body. What a picture she makes. Cheeks flushed, brow glistening with drops of sweat, eyes wet with tears. The hay has become tangled in her hair, and with his rough, carpenters fingers he does his best to pick it out.

Head bent over this small task, he is suddenly captivated by the smell of the infant crying in her arms. Earthy and strong, but somehow sweet. Using the same cloak that wiped the knife, he ever so softly wipes the skin of the newborn, until the tiny, wrinkled face is clean. And as he runs the coarse fabric over the rise of a small, round nose, and across lashes and cheeks, it occurs to him that he will never be the same. Suddenly, he would fight to the death for this infant. He would sell off every meager possession he had just to provide for him. He would give up everything for this baby boy. In this moment, overwhelmed and awed, he can’t begin to understand the paradox that this boy will grow up to be the man who will give up everything for him.

Mary lies with eyes closed, half resting, half praying. An experience so completely human, and yet for her, so completely divine. She traces the lines of his face, counts his fingers curled around hers. Reaches down to count his toes. She looks up at her husband, who so faithfully walked beside her in this journey, and realizes how much she loves him. With only instinct to guide her, she lifts her newborn son to her breast, and feels the tug of his greedy lips. How does one suckle the Son of God? Shifting on the hay, she is oblivious to the crude surroundings, totally engrossed in the tiny Life she has borne. Was it really true? Was this little wrinkled, fragile life really the promise of the angel? As he nurses, and she rubs her cheek against the soft, downy hair on his head, fear begins to tickle her spine. Every insecurity, every flaw of circumstance and character, every doubt of ability… they all lay siege to her heart. But then the most amazing thing happens. From his place at her breast, the baby’s eyes find her face. And he uncurls his delicate fingers from her dress to move them shakily to her cheek. And the promise of the angel bursts into her mind, removing the doubt and fear. “Mary, do not be afraid. You have found favor with God.”

Who can presume to know the thoughts of God watching this birth? Who could count the myriad of angels, brandishing flaming swords, surrounding that stable in the middle of the night – ready to do battle against any things natural or unnatural that would threaten the life of mother and child? Who can imagine the shudder that ran through the core of creation to feel it’s Makers’ flesh after so long? Not since the Garden have the feet of God graced the earth. And now here they are, tiny and unused. “Did the grass sing? Did the earth rejoice to feel you again?”

A mother’s sweat. A father’s awe. The painful, tearing of body from body. A baby’s cry. O, Holy night. Universal among women, unique to Mary. The gift of God for one woman, exhausted and amazed, leaning back onto the rocky wall of a hillside cave. The gift of God for every person who would ever draw breath. O, Holy Night, indeed.

reason 357 to love the rain

2010-09-26T16:50:00.002-04:00

i just looked out the front window to the street, where the first rain in over a month is falling fairly steadily. and in the puddle that collects in front of our driveway are 2 girls, soaked to the skin, with brown hair plastered across foreheads, who are bare footedly stomping old newspapers to mush in the gathering water. they've been out there for an hour almost...not fighting or bugging each other, not playing on the computer... just being kids. just playing. and it's a beautiful sight to behold.

whether rejected or accepted...

2010-09-10T17:17:00.002-04:00

from harper's bazaar, of all places: "the point about reading c.s. lewis is that he makes you sure, whatever you believe, that religion accepted or rejected means something extremely serious, demanding the entire energy of mind."

the world could use more bob

2010-08-21T09:16:00.004-04:00

in a conversation last week, vincent & i began extolling the virtues of bob ross to kyra. how we would come home from school and eagerly plop ourselves down to watch him paint a happy little cloud, or giggle while he "beat the devil" out of his brush, or whisper when his instructions were to be gentle....not to mention our open mouth astonishment at the end of 24 min when he had a glorious canvass filled with the beauty of nature!

all this led to bob being added to our netflix queue. we have devoured the dvd, but what i really wish i could capture sufficiently in words is what i see when i look around the room during the episode.

last night, we watched a couple seascape episodes with the girls & josh and mamie - happy birthday, josh! :) and as i looked around the room, i couldn't help but laugh to myself, particularly at us "grown ups"... absolutely frozen still, eyes glued to the screen, with various looks of concentration, awe & wonder. no one moved a muscle! we were all so drawn into his happy world, and his soothing voice... forget anti-anxiety pills. start prescribing an hour of bob ross every time you feel stressed and the world will make itself right again!

so...we decided that we want to have a 'bob ross painting party'! $20 a head to cover art supplies, and we can paint our own happy worlds, with prizes for the most bob ross like, and wine and laughter and tiny pigs-in-blanket appetizers! how fun would that be? who wants to come? :)

the time, it does fly....

2010-08-19T16:22:00.002-04:00

oh my gosh. can you believe The Girls are TWO today?!

meg

2010-08-13T08:36:00.002-04:00

my little nutmeg is finally coming home tomorrow! she's been gone since july 27th... a long time for a 10 year old! first a week to mimi's in KY, then a long journey to prince edward island (the east coast of canada, home of 'anne of green gables') to visit mark, tina, aly & zoe, and the rest of mark's family. she's the only mulder who got to see the twins this year... lucky duck!

anyway, my point is that i have missed her! yes, truthfully, the house is quieter without her, and there is less sibling squabbling, but there is also less laughing, less snuggling and less , well, meg! i am driving to pick her up tomorrow, and am even looking forward to her talking my ear off in the car. :)

i love my daughter.

life can be strange.

2010-08-06T08:36:00.005-04:00

i was sitting outside starbucks, purse slung across my lap waiting for tenea, and beside me at the next table were two 30-something, hip, vaguely lebenese looking guys with laptops. they got up to leave and one of them said, "you have a nice purse." i only half heard him and kept my eyes scanning the parking lot. but he was insistent. "you have a nice purse." mildly confused, i nodded my agreement.

then he said, rather emphatically, "brown!"

"um... yep."

smiling - satisfied? - he repeated himself, "brown," and they walked off into the sunset.

my weirdest interaction all day. by a mile.

and on a completely different topic, today is our 16th anniversary! sixteenth. man alive. when you're just a kid getting married, your 16th anniversary feels like a millenia away... but it turns out it's not. not really.

i think that curtis and i are lucky. we really actually like each other after all these years. there are no elephants in the room, no land mines to creep around, no unforgiven hurts. plenty of hurts, to be sure, but none left festering unforgiven. i think in most ways we have an ordinary marriage; but because it's our marriage i can't helping thinking that in some ways it's a little bit extraordinary. :)

so here's to the next 16! as we head out on our new adventure of ekklesia & life, there's no one i would rather adventure with than you, curtis. ... at least 9 days out of 10... :) xoxo

God is good to me

2010-07-30T16:03:00.004-04:00

got home from work at 2:30.

cleaned my room.

worked out.

made a cake (to reward myself for working out).

cleaned the kitchen.

cleaned the livingroom.

dusted.

folded the laundry.

kissed curtis good-bye when he left.

now it's just me - ALL ALONE, THANK YOU MERCIFUL HEAVENS - with nothing to do and no one to bug me. for hours and hours and hours.

this is how i know God is good.

ignore the caption

2010-07-28T08:46:00.002-04:00

this picture puts a whole new image in my head when i meditate on my favorite verse of the Bible these days... "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;" (ps. 91:4)

time keeps on slippin...

2010-07-27T21:23:00.003-04:00

this summer has been crazy.

crazy busy, crazy strange, crazy changes... but also crazy kid free! my in-laws (grandparents & aunts) did all the major parenting for 2 weeks while we were in canada, the lovely tamar took the girls for a week of festivities, and now tomorrow morning they are off to a week at mimi & papa's, followed by meg's solo 10th bd trip with mimi & papa to prince edward island - yes, the home of 'anne of green gables' - to spend time with mark & his family for 10 days! then she gets home and it's back to school scurrying and off we go!

this whole "it takes a village" thing is really working out in my favor this summer... although truth be told, i already miss The Girls in advance of their departure. i don't want them to go. of course, the truth is that i have so much going on in the next week that it will be nice to do it all without feeling guilty about rushing in and out on them... but still. the times they are a changin'... they have changed, without my permission. it's the eternal parental lament, i suppose, but tonight is the first time i really feel it.

so i will kiss their brown noses in the morning and pray them out the door... missing them wildly in the moments that i miss them, and loving them wildly all the moments in between.

My Girls. i love you.

look! look!

2010-07-26T08:40:00.004-04:00

here is a link to the super fun photos of our church's trip to the rescue mission in raleigh. i hope you enjoy them! :) (and thanks to nick for taking them!)

dinner with friends

2010-07-24T19:29:00.003-04:00

tonight our new church, ekklesia, made and served dinner at the rescue mission downtown. we had a very wise volunteer, sabrina, who suggested that instead of making the easiest large crowd dinner, we ought to cook as though we were having friends over to our home. this lead to our menu of shoulder round roast, stuffed potatoes, green beans with carmelized onion and bacon, and a variety of homemade desserts & cakes. it was cooked with love, and served with love. (hollaaa to marissa, melissa & sabrina for getting it all together!)

as we were driving home, curtis remarked that if he were going to write a script about how a church should start, it would start with a night like tonight. and just so happens that we did. it was messy and chaotic and fun... and beautiful.

i wish you could have come for dinner.

monday

2010-07-19T08:38:00.002-04:00

i am one of the empty ones,

one of the incomplete ones,

the needy,

the dissastified.

i hide from You

in the clutter of my heart

papering over my neediness with words.

let me accept my emptiness

for what it is:

the joyful root

and measure of my longing.

(from 'God Hunger' by John Kirvan)

idealism

2010-07-16T08:52:00.003-04:00

there is a (usually) charming website that posts funny pictures & art drawn by little kids - it almost always makes me giggle. today, though, when i looked at it, i saw this.

it reminded me that last week, while looking for a thank you card, i noticed not one, but several different "divorce" cards... both celebrating it and empathizing with it.

i am not naive enough to think that divorce isn't going to happen, or that sometimes it may even be the only road left. but looking at this made me sad. and it made me wish that we would all try a little harder to learn to love each other before we walk away.

signs that my daughter's not as innocent as i wish she was

2010-07-14T20:00:00.001-04:00

kyra was going on and on about how much she loves her cat, satchmo. curtis finally said to her, "if you love him so much, why don't you marry him?"

immediately, she replied, "because he's a cat. and he's only 3 years old."

then there was a pause.

"plus, he's neutered."

rethinking that boob job...

2010-07-09T10:01:00.000-04:00

the fall of literature

2010-07-07T21:20:00.002-04:00

i went to the bookstore today to get kyra a book for the plane. i cannot believe the books they are selling to girls kyra's age. one of the quotes on the front of one was, "sexy and completely seductive... it will make your every sense tingle!"

are you kidding me?

last request

2010-07-02T04:39:00.001-04:00

hiho, hiho, it's off to canada i go... if you see vinny, remind him to turn the air warmer upstairs...

are YOU a jerk online?

2010-07-01T08:16:00.001-04:00

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/06/29/my-take-why-christians-are-jerks-online/

i know i have been ... and i know that others of you, well, not YOU, have been to me... maybe it's time we starting living more fully what we say we believe?

the opening of my book

2010-06-24T20:31:00.002-04:00

i have heard it said that every good story resists being written. if that's true, then mine must be a doozy.

chaos swirls around me in the semi-dark; my daughter is collapsed, dead, amid a hundred others now jerking and twisting, rising to become, in fact, undead. the strains of michael jackson's 'thriller' resonate through the theater, and the bright eyed zombies raise their soprano voices to echo the king of pop. from my vantage point, there seems to be little hope that the choreography will come together by saturday, but thankfully, it's not my job to make sure it does. so instead, i let my mind roam through my own chaos, trying to find the beginning of all of this...or at least a place that will make sense once it gets rolling. i suppose the only way into the mess of any story is headlong... making course corrections on the fly. somehow that seems appropriate.

well, that was unexpected

2010-06-22T20:56:00.002-04:00

i was on facebook today when i saw photos posted of old friends, who i haven't really been in touch with for years and years, camping (in the cold, no less). i don't love camping. i hate the cold. and with few exceptions, i've been very, very out of touch with all of them. but i suddenly felt so left out. so lonely. adrift.

transition? decompression? the odd grief of leaving one community to begin another? i don't know, but i know the feeling is very real. and unexpected. and sad.

the blues brothers

2010-06-20T20:46:00.003-04:00

from right to left:

rick, josh, curtis, justin & dennis.

i love these boys... for each of their talents, their creativity, the joy that glows out of them when they play, their humor & for how they have supported curtis with their time, energy & gifts. i have heard curtis come home after serving with them, on innumerable occasions, "man... i love playing with (insert name here)! they are so fantastic!"

you boys have given him great, great joy! and i know he is counting on you being a part of his life for a long time!

thank you

2010-06-20T06:13:00.001-04:00

words are in sufficient. but they are all that i have. so please hear me.

thank you.

love rae, curtis, kyra & meg

lonely epidemic

2010-06-18T07:54:00.002-04:00

"The danger isn't Rentafriend per se, but rather what it symbolizes," he said. "We purchase fleeting replacements because, as a society, we lack those close, meaningful bonds that are so essential. "

it left me shaking my head... you can read the article here.

a picture speaks a thousand words

2010-06-17T21:58:00.000-04:00

around the intertubes...

2010-06-16T17:15:00.002-04:00

starting off on the right foot

2010-06-13T20:27:00.003-04:00

i am so excited! we are one week away from our first "just us" family vacation... and even better, at the beach! *aaaahhhhh* it's been a looong spring and a disease-riddled june, but there is a light at the end of my tunnel! a beachfront condo, (with a pool just in case!), a beach, and our family.

and when we get home, it's going to be a whole new world...

reading:

"sacred companions" - david benner

"61 hours" - lee child

physician, heal thyself

2010-06-09T20:33:00.002-04:00

today i read a little pamphlet that was given to me by sister joanna entitled 'what to expect in christian spiritual direction'. she told me that it would be helpful to me in describing what i might expect from the program i have applied for... (and should be hearing about in a month or so!)

one of the things that stuck out to me was that a key question in spiritual direction is 'what is God's gift to you in this?' or put another way, 'how is God active & present in this?' - even in the hardest, darkest times.

i began to reflect on this in light of our family's recent bout of disease and stress. not a long term hardship, sure, but definitely an exhausting one. specifically in terms of kyra, it occurred to me that not too long ago i was commenting to curtis that she had been living a lot of her life outside the family. babysitting, friends, swimming, school... always something going on. not a problem by any stretch, but i sensed an isolation in her that was making her unhappy.

all that to say this: one of God's gifts to us in this is bringing kyra back into the bosom of her family. :) we've had hours (and hours and hours!) of watching movies together, ibuprofen administrating & back rubbing; followed by, as she has lost her fever, game playing, book reading & quiet fun. i need to remember that when i feel overwhelmed with the demands of sick kids.

so... maybe look at the thing that's hard for you lately, and ask God to show you what small - or maybe big - gift he's trying to give you in the midst of it.

it's a matter of perspective

2010-06-09T13:38:00.001-04:00

never thought i'd see the day where, "oh look! you're covered in scabs!", was a joyous exclamation!

once more with feeling...

2010-06-04T12:47:00.002-04:00

chicken pox, round 2.

poor kyra.

i shake my fist at the sky! i KNOW kyra was vaccinated against this! %$$@!

i have a working theory that job suffered from the first recorded case of chicken pox...

Job 2:7-8

⁷ So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. ⁸ Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.

you want to do what when!?

2010-06-01T14:13:00.003-04:00

i was describing the pace of my life to a friend at work today, and he said, "there's no way i believe that's true."

sadly, it is true. i keep thinking it will slow down any minute now, but it is relentless! trying to plan dinner with friends is laughable, a date is practically unthinkable, and anything involving overnight is flat out unreasonable.

is it just me, or is something out of whack here?

the realization

2010-05-28T08:34:00.003-04:00

last night as i tucked meg in, she began to cry. she pulled me down close to her, and into my ear she whispered, "i just looked in the mirror, and i felt like i saw myself again. i feel pretty." she has been wholeheartedly disfigured by these chicken pox, it was a huge relief to her to recognize herself under the clearing scabs.

...i felt like i saw myself again...

meg has been horrified at the thought of going out into public. "i'm so ugly!" i asked her if she thought all her friends loved her just because she was cute, and there was a slow and despondent head shake. but even though she may be able to acknowledge that, clearly there is a strong belief in her mind that she is what she looks like.

...i felt like i saw myself again...

i would love to blame this on our culture. the glossy ads in magazines, the stars on the red carpet, the tv ads for shinier hair, better skin & thinner thighs... and they are definitely a huge part of it. but i would be wrong to say i didn't play a roll. i am the one who brings those glossy magazines home. i have been known to trudge through the house announcing i was too ugly to go out into the world. against all my best efforts, i have had a significant hand in teaching my daughter that she is what she looks like.

...i felt like i saw myself again...

before i can teach my girls how to see themselves - and their beauty - in their laughter, their compassion, their gifts & talents, their joy of life & their kindness, i am going to have to learn to see my own beauty in those things. because they will learn what i do and live faster than what what i say. i want them to be able to look at the lives of love and compassion and friendship and generosity they will live and then say, "i feel like i saw myself again."

the question is more important than the answer

2010-05-26T16:11:00.002-04:00

well, folks, we are fever free! hooray! of course, meg still looks like the victim of a horrible acid accident, but we are on the road to recovery! woot!

in other news, i read this in my book this morning. SO good.

"for most of my life i have struggled to find God, to know God, to love God. i have failed many times... now i wonder whether i have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me. the question is not "How am I to find God?" but "How am I to let myself be found by God?" The question is not "How am I to know God?" but "How am I to let myself be known by God?" The question is not "How am I to love God?" but "How am I to let myself be loved by God?" And finally, the question is not "Who is God for me?" but "Who am I to God?" (henri nouwen - 'spiritual direction')

i think it would be valuable for us to seriously reflect on those questions. i think they have the potential to turn a lot of what we think we know about God on it's head...

i am a terrible mother

2010-05-23T22:51:00.005-04:00

ah, sweet meg.

she has horrible, horrible chicken pox. disfiguring chicken pox. sore, itchy, miserable, fever-ridden, burst-into-tears chicken pox.

curtis said he just wants to pick her up in a ball and comfort her. he has been home a total of 6 of her waking hours of the last 2 days.

the rest of them have been me. and while i am filled with honest compassion for her chicken pockery, i just want it to stop. the only one more miserable than me right now is meg. i know that she is much more miserable than me, i really do. i love her more than words can express, & i care a LOT. however, there is only so much back rubbing and calamine lotion-ing and sympathy expressing i have in me for chicken pox. not for meg, just for chicken pox. this much hands-on, pox-tending, "mo-om!" caring takes a lot out of you.

*sigh* i am a terrible mother.

truth hurts

2010-05-21T18:59:00.003-04:00

i work p/t as the freight coordinator for buckle - a denim specialty retail store.

this came into work this week. it hurt my heart.

for those of you who can't make out what it says:

"in lesser gods we trust

cash for chaos

this is your god"

part II

2010-05-19T13:55:00.004-04:00

i want to be a spiritual director.

"a whaaa??" :)

the few people i've talked to have had that reaction, too. it's not widely practiced in my particular branch of the "God tree"... it's roots are ancient & find more expression in the catholic & liturgical circles. basically, spiritual direction involves a process where one believer helps another, or sometimes a seeker, to understand what God is doing and saying. it's helping people see where God is active in their lives... how to be aware of the realities of their faith in the "moment to moment" of life, and to engage in those moments. it's like mentorship, sort of. according to wikipedia, it's "...the practice of being with people as they attempt to deepen their relationship with God, or to learn and grow in their own spiritual journey. The person seeking direction shares stories of his or her encounters of faith, or how he or she is experiencing spiritual issues. The director listens and asks questions to assist the directee in his or her process of reflection and spiritual growth. Spiritual direction develops a deeper relationship with the spiritual aspect of being human. "

after a great deal of research, and long efforts to find a program of spiritual direction that i could (A) afford, and (B) attend, i actually came across one in durham (!), run by the faithful companions of Jesus sisters. you guys, i am SO EXCITED! it's a 2 year certification program, easily within my time & money constraints. and there was a miracle!

i called sr. joanne to ask her about the program, and she immediately replied, "i can't believe this!"

"what?" i asked, nervously.

"i was praying just this morning that God would give me one person today who would apply for this very program!"

hooray! God is mischievous & whimsical. :) and he is giving me the desire of my heart. my application was received today by sr. joanne, and the next step is an interview...the program begins in august. this is where my heart is. i want to help people realize to the fullest extent possible the love of Jesus, and his constant action in their lives.

a whaaat?

2010-05-17T17:59:00.003-04:00

last week i finally named out loud what i want to do with the rest of my life - what i want to be when i grow up.

today i applied for the program i want. and i will tell you if you promise not to laugh.

...a slice...

2010-05-12T20:29:00.005-04:00

i am sitting in the dim living room, listening to the sound of my childhood.

it's game 7 of the series between pittsburg & montreal (i'm talking hockey, people), and there is random coaching advice, commentary and expletives being muttered by the men i love (curtis & vincent). toss in the occasional blaring of the horn to announce a goal, and you've got a perfect storm of nostalgia.

i grew up watching my dad watch hockey. there was nothing more fiercely observed in my home than the sacredness of Hockey Night in Canada. even the sound of the theme music warms the cockles of my heart. Don Cherry narrated saturday nights in the den downstairs. although we weren't allowed to speak (until commercial breaks), we were welcome to watch. i learned to follow the puck and love the game.

second intermission, and it's 4 - 2 montreal...

join the revolution

2010-05-08T11:30:00.006-04:00

i love it when i'm reading a novel & suddenly something resonates with me as so true. it reminds me that "all truth is God's truth". when i read this i thought to myself, this begins to describe those of us who love Jesus. it's from 'the likeness' by tana french. the characters are discussing why one of their fathers is pushing so hard to get his son to "live in the real world!"

"You know what it is?" Abby said out of nowhere, a few hands later. "It's the contentment."

"Who said which to the what now?" inquired Rafe, narrowing his eyes to examine Daniel's stack. He had switched his phone off.

"The real-world thing." She leaned sideways across me to pull the ashtray closer. Justin had put on Debussy, blending with the faint rush of rain on the grass outside. "Our entire society's based on discontent: people wanting more and more and more, being constantly dissatisfied with their homes, their bodies, their decor, their clothes, everything. Taking it for granted that that's the whole point of life, never to be satisfied. If you're perfectly happy with what you've got - especially if what you've got isn't even all that spectacular - then you're dangerous. You're breaking all the rules, you're undermining the sacred economy, you're challenging every assumption that society's built on. That's why Rafe's dad throws a mickey fit whenever Rafe says he's happy where he is. The way he sees it, we're all subversives. We're traitors."

"I think you've got something there," said Daniel. "Not jealousy after all; fear. It's a fascinating state of affairs. Throughout history - even 100 years ago, even 50 - it was discontent that was considered the threat to society, the defiance of natural law, the danger that had to be exterminated at all costs. Now it's contentment. What a strange reversal."

"We're revolutionaries," Justin said happily, poking a Dorito around in the salsa jar, and looking phenomenally unrevolutionary. "I never realized it was this easy."

the point of this, to me, is that it's the attitude of our hearts that makes us truly revolutionary. the attitude of contentment and, by Grace, the attitudes of surrender & love that mark us so differently. we are, indeed, revolutionaries.

2010-05-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

pardon my french

2010-04-28T18:47:00.003-04:00

the saga of parenthood continues... i guess this is my payback for all the years of saying "it's really not hard..." serves me right.

on a lighter note, i have "support" group tonight, smaller group tomorrow night & ethiopian food friday night with 3 of my favorite people! and then a merciful satuday, kid free morning included! things have been so busy lately, you can't imagine how much i am looking forward to that... and it's supposed to be glorious and sunny - can you say, "lay out, rachel! lay out!" (with the appropriate spf, of course.)

i have not been very interested in developing my heart lately. reading is dry, prayer is scattered & my attention is fractured at best. flipping through my journal just now i came across this, from rob bell. " 'Christian' is a great noun and a poor adjective." i have to find a way to get my ass off the adjective side of that sentence....

parenting

2010-04-26T20:53:00.001-04:00

i take it back. i don't want to be the mom anymore.

seriously.

2010-04-25T07:12:00.003-04:00

seriously. no one wants my damn birds? *sigh*

i am attempting to practice the delicate spiritual discipline of remembering, along with gratitude.

here dies another day

during which i have had eyes, ears, hands

and the great world round me;

and with tomorrow begins another.

why am i allowed two?

-g.k. chesterton

free! free!

2010-04-23T07:42:00.003-04:00

two beautiful, happy male zebra finches, with cage & sundries! for free! let me know if you would like to adopt these non-reproducing birds! :)

happy friday!

parental shame

2010-04-18T20:19:00.002-04:00

this is the handwritten note kyra will take to school tomorrow morning. verbatim.

"to whom it may concern:

i received, and signed, kyra's report card/ib assessment. then i promptly misplaced it. perhaps even threw it away in a flurry of housework. sorry about that. please don't penalize kyra for my hastiness.

thank you."

*sigh*

what kind of mother needs to write that note?!

day 2 - morning break

2010-04-14T10:34:00.002-04:00

i am sitting the lobby of the WORLD HEADQUARTERS of the wesleyan church - the first time i've been to the world headquarters of anything! :) to be honest, i'm a little disappointed. not as world "headquarters-ish" as i expected. huh.

so the wives have been uninvited from the "role playing exercise" ... honestly, i'm relieved. today has been a lot harder already. we were given real church plant scenarios to make decisions about, and the scenarios weren't pretty. shot my idealism in the foot, if you know what i mean. :) it's probably a good thing, tho...

it's an interesting question, assessing the call of God. just because you "feel" a call, are you actually called? i've had many conversations with people trying to figure out what God is telling them about their life, and it's always an interesting conversation. and 4 days of it is even more so!

i just had someone tell me we'll probably be going past 11 tonight. ack. for those of you who know me well, you know that i am NOT a night owl. so this should be interesting... oh dear...

day 1

2010-04-14T08:05:00.001-04:00

day 1:

basically us (read "me") talking about us (read "me")....

dang! i am secretly having fun! :)

while i'm gone...

2010-04-13T05:22:00.002-04:00

you will probably love to read this from my brother ben, in indonesia. the sacrament of obedience...

3rd truth in a row!

2010-04-11T20:03:00.002-04:00

"There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality, for life is maintained and nourished in us by our vital relation with reality."

- Thomas Merton

truth

2010-04-10T09:58:00.003-04:00

i got peed on by a rat today

2010-04-09T19:50:00.002-04:00

(seriously. i did. right on my leg.)

so - big news! curtis and i are going to the luxury vacation destination of ... wait for it... indianapolis! that's right - curtail your jealousy! we are going for 4 fabulous days and nights, filled with all the fun that "church planter assessment" can contain!

er... right. "fun".

well, the fun part is, for those of you who hadn't yet heard, curtis and i are planting a church! equal parts "whoohoo!" and "oh no!" :) in preparation for this week of "joy", we've already taken:

leadership style inventories

personality inventories

strength assessments

conflict resolution assessments

self-assessment questionnaires

we are going to be so full of knowledge by the end of next week!

i did hear that at least one wife has stormed out of the proceedings, hailed a cab and literally flew home without her luggage or her husband, she was so riled. so i've got that to look forward to, too.

at least the rat likes me?

(if you'd like to hear about our plans, or how you can support us, just leave me a note in the comment section! thanks!)

to do to do!

2010-04-08T14:51:00.002-04:00

took a walk after work today... got pollen stuck in between my teeth.

cleaned my room! created the "family housework draft" form. i'm not the only one who lives here & makes a mess... so i'm not going to be the only one who cleans the mess!

sent The Girls to the lake with rissa & her kids... got a text to expect soaking, tired & happy kids any time now! :)

pet the rat. he didn't want to play, but got a good little noggin rub in.

finished a great novel.

made plans for smaller group. ahhhh....

hope your thursday is good, inter-tubes.

the truth hammer

2010-04-06T13:25:00.003-04:00

while lenting the intertubes, i found i had a lot more time for reading... go figure! :) i have more books currently "on the go" than usual, and for whatever reason - the quality of the books, or the quality of my brain offline - they have really been connecting with me. so many pages are already dogeared and scrawled on that they look like old favorites!

the one that is currently captivating me is a little 107 page book with possibly the worst title ever: "the gift of being yourself". in fact, i almost didn't even read it because the title was so ... cheesy! but, boy - i would have missed out on one of the most completely "on-the-nose" things i've ever read. take these snippets:

"We all live searching for that one possible way of being that carries with it the gift of authenticity... Simple being is tremendously difficult to achieve, and fully authentic being is extremely rare."

"To truly know love, we must receive it in an undefended state..."

"The problem with the false self is that it works."

"While other people's excessive attachments & personal falsity often seem glaringly apparent, it is never easy to know the lies of our own life."

and this cobbled together paragraph - on acknowledgement of our worst selves:

"(Parts) of self that are not given a place at the 'family table' become stronger, not weaker. Operating out of sight & beyond awareness, they have increasing influence over our behavior. ... Self-transformation is always preceded by self-acceptance...Until we are willing to accept the unpleasant truths of our existence, we rationalize or deny responsibility for our behavior. ... You can never be other than who you are until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are."

i am digging this book. seriously. i think you should probably get a copy.

welcome home

2010-04-04T20:47:00.002-04:00

hello, blogosphere... i'm back! if i had a nickel for every time during lent that i wanted to blog something, i'd at least have enough for a soda from the vending machine! i really ought to have kept a list of all the interesting things that happened, but i didn't... so let's start off with the most recent events, and if anything from the past couple months occurs to me, i'll throw it in. :)

sadly, colonel reverend doctor captain chips - our 6 year old "just won't frickin' die" goldfish - finally gave up the ghost, and went to the big goldfish bowl in the sky. honestly, i can't say that i'll miss him. after the mourning period had passed (roughly 2 minutes), a passionate argument for our need to replace him with some african dwarf frogs was put forth by meg, who had experienced their glories in her classroom this year. so, gamely, vincent loaded The Girls into his car and headed off to the pet store to get a couple of frogs.

an hour later, i got a call from vinny telling me to meet them in the driveway. i'm sure you can tell where this is going. cautiously, i stepped out on the porch, and as they pulled up, his head poked out the window and he said, "we got a replacement for chips... but i don't think it'll fit in the bowl!" 3 joyous faces beamed out of the car at me as i opened the cardboard box proffered me from the backseat. and inside said box? a rat. not a small one, either.

truth be told, though, i have a soft spot for living things of all kinds. and the rat is surprisingly cute! his name is 'pippin le bref', after a 17th century king of france, because he sort of has a fleur de lis shaped marking on his back. i have already developed a shocking fondness for pip, as we call him. at least you can pick him and pet him... that's a lot more than you can say about a goldfish!

dads & daughters

2010-03-28T07:27:00.002-04:00

you all know i think curtis is the best dad ever... he is wonderful with the girls! he's got some competition here, though... a single dad who read to his daughter every night for 3218 consecutive nights! through travelling, teenage years, her dating (and his!)...this is worth the 5 minutes it will take you to read it!

one more week of lent! whoohoo! next sunday i'll be back for good... until next year, probably, when i'll do it again. :) i have lots to talk about, so i'll see you next week!

from kristina

2010-03-01T13:07:00.001-05:00

This letter was received today by mom's friend and student at asbury, Gary. It speaks for itself.

Dear Gary,

It is I Kristina. I pray Jesus is still holding your close in his mighty hands and I look forward to the time you will return to Sudan and I will see you again. Your prayers and letters are a source of the love of God to me. I feel now I want to tell you my story. When the Arabs attacked my village in 1998, they raped and killed my mother. My 2 sisters they also raped and then they, along with my brother were tied to the back of their horses and taken away as slaves. I have not seen them again. I was only about four years old, but I remember very well what they did to my mother and family.
My father was a doctor, and he tried to help our soldiers. But when the Arabs killed my mother, he took me and ran far away to Ethiopia. He was a good man and tried to keep me safe. But we traveled for many months by footing, and so many people died along the side of the road. I remember when my father would get tired and have to put me down, I was always tripping over the dead people because my legs were too small to lift them high over the piles of bodies.
We stayed in Ethiopia until the war reached there, too. So then my father ran with me trying to get back to our village. He hoped maybe it would be safe there by then. It took us many more months of footing, and I almost drowned as we crossed many of the rivers. They were so rough and my father was starting to go a little mad so he couldn’t hold onto me very well anymore. Finally, we made it back to Nyamlel, but shortly after that he died.
Some grown men helped me to bury him, but then they left me alone. I heard them say, “There are simply too many orphans to worry about this one.”
But, “this one” was me, and I was worried.
I laid alone on top of my father’s grave for many days just waiting for the hyenas to eat me, or to starve to death so that I would not be alone anymore, but with my mother and father. After some days, I grew tired of crying and began to go out into the bush looking for leaves to eat. I ate them, but they made me so sick that I just crawled back on top of my father’s grave.
Then one day a man came walking by. He found me sitting on my father’s grave. He told me his name was James Lual Atak; he asked me my name and where my parents were. I told him they were dead and I was alone. He said, “Come follow me. I will take you to New Life Ministry (NLM), and if you will follow the way I teach you, you will grow strong and you will not be alone anymore.”
I did not know what was NLM, but I wanted to grow strong and not be alone anymore, so I went with him.
At first, we didn’t have any proper food, but James Lual Atak taught us the right way. He taught us to pray. He taught us to read and to write, and then one day Mama Kimberly came to visit us.
All I remember about her the first time I met her is that she kept crying. I thought, “This woman will never be able to help us because she is always crying.”
But then she left and she returned after many months later and you were with her. You also cried and I wondered about your people. I did not understand why you had come. Lual Atak told us when you left, you left us money for food. Since that day, the food has never stopped. Even now that we are so many---500 orphans---the food never stops. I read in the Bible about Manna; I think it is like that. Only now we get “pigeons,” too, because we have a weekly bull slaughter for meat.
I read your letter to us how you told me about how many people in America pray for me and all my friends here at NLM. It also told me that you are the ones who send the money so that we can eat every day, learn about God and His only Son Jesus, and have a safe home to live in.
Sometimes, I still go visit my father’s grave where I used to sleep, and I feel sad. I am glad I don’t live there anymore. I know that he doesn’t live there either, but He lives with Jesus, where I will one day, too.
Thank you for loving all of us orphans, and for raising us up properly!
--Kristina

snap!

2010-02-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

for a snapshot of my life, click here. enjoy. :)

liberathe

2010-01-29T08:53:00.003-05:00

hooray! the day has finally come!

last year i made a small business loan through Kiva to a woman in senegal who wanted to purchase pigs to expand her small business that supporter her family of 8 children. i just received notice this morning that the loan has been repaid, and my money was available for me to withdraw, or loan again... obviously i went with loan again!

kiva connects people through lending to alleviate poverty. lending partners - just people like me - each lend a small amount to an entrepreneur who is building a way out of poverty for them & their families. once the business is thriving and making a profit, the entrepreneur repays the loan, and you can loan again. one small loan can help dozens (or more!) small business owners create a new life... not of handouts, but of self-sufficiency, dignity, and success.

meg helped me choose a new business woman to support... liberathe - a woman who sells local food & drink to tourists in northern rwanda. she is raising 8 children, and wants to expand her business to help pay their school fees.

if you have a minute, go check out kiva. your $25 could change a life... and then another... and then another...

when i am so hurt & so furious...

2010-01-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

i hope kyra gets rich.... REALLY rich....

2010-01-17T11:42:00.005-05:00

my daughter is rolling in expendable income these days. between christmas money, birthday money and babysitting, she's got maybe $75 burning a hole in her pocket! :)

yesterday i received in the mail the most recent initiative from world vision: medicines and micronutrients for refugee/war ravaged children. with corporate sponsorship, any donation multiplies 15x... so a gift of $1 multiplies to $15, etc. i told kyra that i was going to give something to world vision, and that she could too, if she wanted... her heart is always directed toward those in need. she eagerly skipped upstairs to find her wallet, and came down with a couple of folded bills... which i unfolded to reveal $25. a third of her money.

i was reminded that the year the tsunami hit in sri lanka, she had just gotten $40 for her birthday, and asked if it would be ok if she gave the whole amount to the tsunami relief effort. which she did. without anyone asking her to. and with so much joy.

so i hope kyra gets rich. really, really rich. the world will be made more beautiful by her regardless...but if there were more kyra's in the world, imagine the relief of poverty & pain there could be.

maybe Jesus was on to something when he said we must become like little children...