reprise

field trip mom again today - see previous post, "an argument against children". and the mom i rode with today used two words i have never heard before, and hope to never, ever hear again.

a little over my head

sorry - my posts have been sketchy lately...too long, (according to liz -but i still love you), or barely there. i've been mentally preoccupied waiting every day to see if my mailman has brought my visa. (the living-in-the-united-states kind, not the visa-mastercard-discover kind). so far, not so much. i keep trying to think of something else, but once again, not so much. for those of you out there who pray, feel free to dig into this one. thanks.

March 26

a picture speaks a thousand words

big news!

hooray!! i made it into the durham bulls 'pool of eligible singers' to sing the anthem at a ball game!! how completely cool is that!?!??! i have wanted to sing at a sports event for my WHOLE LIFE! YIPPPEEE!! they said that not everyone who is in the pool will get to sing this season - they have a 'limited number of events' ... but now i am one step closer! thank you, andrew!!

lazy lazy lazy

so, i was digging through some of my personal resources, collected from a variety of sources, and came across some stuff from 'renovare'. they are a group of christian writers and thinkers who are working toward reintroducing some of the more spiritually formative, old/ancient christian practices into the western church - a church that is in danger of basing it's faith on bumpersticker slogans. this was recieved (in my experience) with quite a bit of excitement and "let's do it!"- ness. but it has quickly petered out (also in my experience). i was looking at a couple of things i have from them, wondering why teachings, prayers and other resources that have nourished the Church for centuries are so easily dismissed - i mean, this is GOOD stuff. change your life stuff. and then something occured to me. these things, these questions and writings and ideas are hard. they require real thought and personal attention. they require honesty and submission and time...discipline. when i can have a 3 course meal in 20 minutes by using the 'just add water' method, why would cook from scratch? we live in an instant, 3-steps-to-success world. if we can have it in our food, fitness, decorating, lawn, learning & relationships, why not in our relationship with God, too? let's face it - we want the easy way. we don't to have to think too hard, or love too passionately, or open up too much. but the truth is, if all the "3 step" programs we have developed really worked, we'd all be thin, fit, gorgeous, gourmet, happy, rich people, wouldn't we? life is messy. it cannot be navigated in programs or bumperstickers. and to think that little me can set God into a box of my design and feed him little biscuits of devotion now and then is completley arrogant and wrong minded. the very fact that the God of all the universe would like to have my company is astonishing - and it requires more of me than a wwjd bracelet and prayer over dinner. real work is required to make anything successful - and the ancient God-lovers knew it. they devoted themselves...and when you read what they left behind, it's clear that they knew God in such deep ways...such intimate ways that we rarely experience. i'm not saying we have to follow the 'old ways' to find God in a real way, but i am saying it's going to take work on our part...just like a marriage. the people who you see with enviable marriages are the couples who have devoted themselves to it. God is always going to show up if we do. he waits to be wanted.

i am going to try to dig back into some of that material. because i am certainly not immune to wanting things to fall into place with little or no effort on my part. God forgive me for reducing you to a toy - teach me to know you in a more real way.

an argument against parenthood

don't get me wrong - i love The Girls. they are my best day ... and my hardest moment. but this isn't about them so much as it is about their lives. today, i was "FIELD TRIP MOM". field trip mom rides in a minivan with 4 other moms who talk a lot about how gifted their children are, why they will be applying for a special middle school, not just the plain old middle school around here, what activities their children are in and why they need guitar lessons. they talk about pta and commitees and i get tired just listening to them. (it's not so much that any of these are offensive in and of themselves, more that, taken as a whole, they represent to me a life out of balance, where the parents world revolves around the child and don't even get me started on "competetive parenting"!) then field trip mom is assigned a group of 10 (10!) 4th graders, a map of downtown and a strict intinerary. we have 45 mintues each to visit the legislature, the capital building, lunch and the museum of natural history (which, incidentally, is a 4 story building packed to the gills. 45 min!?!). bear in mind that FTM is navigating around & through approximately 17,000 other school children who have all decided to visit downtown today. i learned that each chandilier in the the sentate weighs 645lb - there are 4 - and that if they want to speak, the senators push a little light button. i did not learn about governmental structure, policy or anything else particularly educating. (oh, except at the museum of natural history, where i learned that the cumulative weight of migrating monarch butterflies can break whole limbs off of trees!) so, i spent from 9am - 2pm engaging in pretty much every activity that makes me crazy, tired and just plain cranky. but my daughter loves it when i am field trip mom. and her sister has asked me to to repeat the process for her in 2 weeks...first graders at the life and science museum. field trip mom may have to smuggle in a flask...

stranger things have happened

i find myself in a curious position lately. as you know, it's lent, and what you may not know is that for lent i adopted an hour of daily prayer. depending on how you feel about prayer, you will be either very surprised or not at all surprised to hear that i have been loving this time with God. my heart is being changed, and i for one am surprised at the depth of that change. so, onto the curiosity. i have always been a bit of an "eye roller", particularily at people who start every third sentence with, "i was praying...", or "while i was praying for you, God told me...", or people who bring God into everything. it's not that i didn't believe these things couldn't be sincere, but more that i figured they ususally weren't. and now, i have become one of those people. i sent an email today where i had to stop myself from going on and on about what i had been praying for someone, and how God had been speaking to me about their life, and i was just passing it along. i am either going to have to roll my eyes at myself, or else admit that my spiritual life was not as robust as it could have been, and many other people out there were hanging out with God more than me, and he flavored their life the way he has begun to flavor mine. it reminds me of something a.w. tozer wrote..."God waits to be wanted". so, if you are in my daily sphere, and i tell you i am praying for you, know that i really am. and that it's ok with me if you roll your eyes a little...i've been there. :)

the flip side

..and you wake up to pouring rain. spring in a nutshell, huh?

eventide

there's something about summer pj's... here i sit in them, with sunburnt shoulders, even, and the cool evening drifting in through the windows...and it's so, so sweet. the girls in their nightgowns, bare feet padding around after many months of "footsie" pj's; that unique and happy tired feeling you get from spending hours outside, the smell of plants and flowers that hangs around in the air and on your skin...that is why i love the days when the sun shines down on me.

and to all, a good night.

spring

it's quickly rising up to the forcast 84...what are you doing inside cruising the blogosphere?? go outside!! hurry - it's not going to last through the weekend...

oh, fickle spring, how i love thee!

opposites attract

as did some of you, yesterday my husband did the personality test that i linked here. he is every letter opposite of me...istp...and as i read his summary over his shoulder, i saw how completley true it was, and then it occurred to me that if that paragraph described me, i would want to throw myself off a cliff! i couldn't imagine having to live within the constraints of his personality! i think that would be so not fun! and yet, this is the man i love so much, who i couldn't be without. how weird is that? it made me realize again just how different we are...not just he and i, but you and i and all of us. so fully realized in our deep inner person, created with such uniqueness and diversity...no two truly alike. incredible. once again, my hearts wells up with, 'God you are so amazingly creative!' and 'thank you for curtis, who balances me while i balance him'. and thank you that i am who i am - teach me to live more fully out of my inner self.'

naked

check out this quick and accurate personality test!" it was linked to an article i read on msn (stop laughing, steve!) what it had to say about my personality type is soooo true...particularily the bold sentence. that pretty much nails me. :) so, for those of you who wonder, this is what i am really like! :)

"ENFJs are sociable, intuitive, sensitive and organized. These energetic, warm and charming folks are influential, and they make catalytic and charismatic leaders. People often find that they want to do whatever ENFJs want them to do! Many ENFJs have a natural gift for public speaking and for organizing people to accomplish a goal--whether in politics, business, religion, teaching, sales or therapy. Responsible, tenacious, idealistic and opinionated, outgoing ENFJs usually work their magic by artful facilitation or tactful persuasion, but they are willing to do battle with people and institutions they see as wrong-minded or mean-spirited. ENFJs honor their commitments and expect the same of others. This type’s paradoxical pitfalls of conflict avoidance and righteous indignation may get in their way, now and then. Groups headed by competent ENFJs are marked by well-defined mission, teamwork, open communication, appreciation and support for every member--but they may be well advised to have other types look after the impersonal details."

bliss bliss bliss - again!

oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. today for the first time in months i am here, indulging in my favorite thing in the whole world!! coffee in the warm sunlight on the front porch, with The Girls playing in the driveway, music wafting out the open windows, and birds merrily chirping. THIS is what the stuff of life is made of. these are the moments that speak glory into my heart, and the hope of heaven into my warm fingers and toes. this moment of "perfection" is but an echo, and glimmer, of true perfection, true peace...can't wait til coffee on the front porch in eternity!

what's your flavor?

most of my friends know that i am broadly read - and recently, i've read a lot that i love! so here are a few recommendations... a little something for everyone! :)

1. Hood by Stephen Lawhead - interestingly, i am never particularily intersted in any of the topics of his books. but i've read at least 7, (including 3 that were pure science fiction!), which should tell you how amazing they are. they are full of wonder and richness, with unparalleled story telling and people who you are sad to leave at the end of the last chapter (which always makes me glad that he often writes in trilogy format). this book is his latest, the first in a trilogy based on the legend of robin hood. it's really quite miraculous to read!
2. The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey - this a very accesible, honest (from the authors perspective) attempt at unmasking the 'flannel board' Jesus of sunday school in an attempt to see the real man more clearly. i can't put my finger on just one thing that has been remarkable about it - it's more like a stick of insense that slowly affects all of the air around it. i am in the process of reading it through a second time to more fully engage all of his ideas.
3. The Glorious Pursuit by Gary Thomas - this is a book on engaging in the disciplines that Jesus lived out. and no, it's not a guilt laden, task oriented book! it talks about the classic christian virtues, which are all elements of the heart that inform our actions, not a list of do's and don'ts that we hope will eventually affect our inner life. this book is more scholarly and thoughtful in tone, but is worth diving into. it's been a long time since i read a book that so fully engaged both my heart and my mind.
4. The Go-to Girl by Louise Bagshawe - "chick lit" at it's finest! lighthearted, funny, and low stress, and miraculously unsmutty (i'm not a fan of sex masquarading as chick lit). this was the first book of hers i read, (in a desperate attempt to find something i had not already read at the public library!) and i would definitely read more!
5. Alex Benier mysteries by Beth Saulnier (a series of 4) - completely fun, full of mayhem without being so dark, very engaging setting and main character. enough people die to keep it interesting, and there is enough else going on that the story sucks you right in! i keep going back to see if she's published anything new lately, since i've read them all!
6. Judas Child by Carol O'Conner - i dare you to read this and sleep soundly. i love all of her books, especially the Mallory ones, but this is a stand alone novel that will give you chills. i can't tell you more or i'll ruin the ending. but O'Conner is hands down my favorite author of fiction. compelling, tautly plotted, yet slow to unravel the story and mystery, her books are best savored slowly. i don't mind admitting, Judas Child just freaked me right out. :)

grr!

first let me say that, steve, this has nothing to do with you. don't take it personally.

we are trying to lower our bills. get a hold of our money. work a budget. all of which is stressful enough...without time warner cable. we spent nearly 2 hours online and on the phone last night, but apparently, pretty much no one but TWC is "available" in our area. and they are freakin' expensive! but we have little or no other choice...and i am so mad! and i'm mad at all the companies i see on tv....att, comcast, verizon, embarq, to name a few...who make great promises, and aren't here! i mean, we are not in the backwaters of the state! this is the frickin' research triangle! this is Duke and Chapel Hill! for pete's sake! what the hell?!

a real man

apparently, "manhood" is getting hard to figure out...at least, this is what i hear from "They". is a real man sensitive, or stoic? romantic or rugged? giving or demanding? (sorry, i ran out of alliterations) i can't answer that question, but i can tell you this. my day yesterday was made possible by a REAL man.

first, he let me sleep in a bit while he made breakfast for The Girls. Then, he sat on the couch with me (monday is his day off) and we watched 'the amazing race' while i drank my coffee. then he drove us over to the church, where he stacked a hundred chairs and rolled out tables and helped me set everything up for a women's meeting i lead last night...and he did it with great cheerfulness and energy. then he took me out to lunch, and spent the afternoon fixing - yes, thank you, Curtis!! FIXING - my laptop, debugging vista (which has been a bitch, if you'll excuse my language) so that this morning everything is running %100! then - oh, you thought he was done? no no - i left for my thing, he fed the girls, and then he came to the meeting at the church, and did the childcare for me, since i had tried and tried and couldn't find anyone else to do it. and while i stayed around to say goodnight and talk to women, he brought the girls home and put them to bed, and i came home at 9 to peace and quiet. and it was his day off. all day he worked alongside me, making it possible for me to do the things i had to do, and giving me the gift not only of his strength, intellect and kindess, but also of his company. i could not be the woman i want to be without him. Curtis, YOU are a real man. thank you.

monday morning

ooo - how fun! there you were...commenting on my blog! :)

for clarification, i assume that singing an anthem at an american college sporting event would only involve the american anthem. so while i hesitate to call it "the" anthem, in this case i guess it is. but we all know, deep in our hearts, what the True anthem is.

i am a little more than a week into lent - and while the discipline is hard, i am loving what it is doing for my heart. i have a fresh sense of God, and a brighter outlook on life. i'm not consumed with worry or anxiety, which i had been for a long time. it's been lovely, and i am hoping to carry on with my chosen practice for the rest of my life. God is bringing sping in my heart.

if any of you have a desire to pray for us, we are waiting for our visa to come through. if it doesn't, we have to leave the country by the end of the month. but God brought us here, and i know that our lives are in His hands entirely. that being said, prayer is always a good thing! :)
thank you - appreciate your prayers and love!

i have a dream...

today a lot of folks found out that i blog...and that i whine a little when i don't get comments. (just a little). so i wonder if anyone is going to read this because of that? it would be cool! i would feel pressure, though, to say things that were deep and meaningful. hmmm....

on a different note, it has also become public knowlege that i have a long-held desire to sing the national anthem at a sporting event...preferrably hockey, seeing as it's the sport of my youth, but any event would be fun! and suddenly, two of my friends who work with various sports are going to see if there's anything they can do to help me along! how totally cool is that?? hooray! it's my own, personal "make a wish" foundation!

well, that's it. a rare sunday post....i hope you have enjoyed your weekend!

the first time

it happened this morning, around 8:30. i opened the front door and realized that The Girls would not need a coat to go to school! the fierce wind and rain of last night seems to have blown in something warm! hooray, spring! i have my windows open and my heart is happy. ahhhhhhh.

i love the quality of light on a morning with storm remnants in the sky... the bright sunrise light peeking from behind the ominous grey of the clouds... it makes everything seem mystical somehow.

i love watching spring unfold. for me, it's almost like watching God recreate the garden of eden in slow motion. each fat bud, each bluebird carrying twigs, every inch of plant pushing up out of the ground is a miracle.

happy day to you...