an honest story in parts: hope

i am an evangelical pastor's daughter (pause) i was married to an evangelical pastor for 22 years (pause) i am divorced (pause) i am married (pause) i have hope (full stop)

this may be the most "becoming not already became" part of the story. in fact, instead of saying "i have hope" i should probably say that i will choose to try and live into hope, toward hope. 

there is *so much* that seems hopeless. needless violence and cruelty - the kind that we used to watch on the news happening "over there" is suddenly happening in our own cities. needless hate and vitriol, increasing disparity between poor and rich, increasing insecurity in our jobs and homes, family structures crumbling under the pressure of quarantine, climate change, global disaster... god, the list could go on and on, couldn't it? sigh. it's exhausting, and when we are all isolated from one another, from the relationships that form so much of the foundation of joy and meaning in our lives, it is harder to see beyond the looming darkness. 

it takes intention to look for hope, to find it. it takes diligence and persistence, and maybe a little foolishness. 

it's there, though. i see hope in the nice boy my youngest daughter met, who makes her smile and flip her hair. i see hope in the joy my oldest daughter has as a young woman doing actual, important research work, who is marching in DC and believing change is possible. i see it in a friend who is thinking about online dating and in text chats with my brothers as we all navigate lives with really difficult things in them, bolstering and encouraging and just ... being there. 

i see a lot of hope after work, actually. most nights, after work, brent and i walk a 3 mile loop through several neighborhoods, some a little bigger, some a little smaller, and we have been struck time and time again how people seem more willing, not less, to wave, say hello, be kind, smile... instead of pretending we don't see each other, it seems like we are trying to see each other more. trying to hope that this small gift of bestowing humanity on each other by seeing will build and grow and be less becoming and more has already become.

there is hope to be found, i think, and if we nurture the small hopes, i believe it will be easier to lean into big hopes. because we *need* to be big hope-ers. if we are just going to throw our hands in despair and call it quits, then we have lost while the fight still rages on. and i hope we are better than that.