je suis desole

 once again, it is pouring. once again, i look ahead into a weekend full of ... nothing. je suis desole. i know i am spectacularly fortunate that the hardest part of covid for me isn't paying bills, or being sick, or losing loved ones...it's just the isolation. 

just. right.

really, it's not the isolation, per se. b and i are happy enough to spend time together, fiddling through the never-ending homeowner to-do's or binge watching marvel movies. it's the utter lack of celebration and feasting that isolation requires. i didn't realize at the time that hanging out with friends, drinking on patios and nibbling fingers foods, cookouts with paper plates, walking downtown or getting a sidewalk table and people watching were feasts and celebrations, but they were. they are. ordering a gorgeous meal and sitting for hours sipping wine and catching up in the warm light of my favorite spot, splurging on dessert, going to the zoo on a saturday, last minute plans to meet for coffee or grab lunch - all of these are feasts and celebrations. and god, how i miss them. 

i know i'm not alone in this. and most days i can brush the loss of that aside, but i want a Friday. a strolling in the evening air, stopping to browse the little shop on the corner, slipping in for a cocktail, sitting on the deck with friends Friday... one without fear of violence or anger, without fear of covid, without stress or panic. i want friends and lipstick and the twinkling lights of the world around me ... i want relief. it feels as though my heart needs a deep breath. 

i am struggling today (obviously).... and the only possible weapon i, or any of us have, against the struggle is gratitude, so i am trying to remember to how much i have to be grateful for: a partner who is my best friend, a home that is safe and warm, a good job, kids who are healthy and doing great, friends (even if i can't see them!), food on the table, a strong, healthy body... i am so, so fortunate. 

but dammit. i want a feast. i am longing for celebration.