then what the hell

b and i had the tremendous pleasure of seeing Johnnyswim with Drew Holcombe & the Neighbors last year (or a hundred years ago?) and when they played 'ring the bells' it brought the house down.  

it came across on my playlist last night, and i was reminded of the absolute intoxication of the moment - the room was alive with joy and hope, practically vibrating.

'we say mercy won't be rationed here / that's what we're fighting for / if all is fair in love and war / then what the hell is loving even for?'

if all is fair in love and war, then what the hell is loving even for? it's such a striking question, isn't it? i expect most of us have experienced a "love" that keeps score and know that it is no love at all. it's some kind of shadow love, a hollow thing that keeps us scrambling to fill it up, prove we're worthy and good enough and enough enough...but we never quite get there. love that measures itself out in appropriate doses, quid pro quo, is not relational, it's a transaction we are always on the losing end of. 

there is no single worthwhile, loving relationship in the world that won't come with someone getting the short end of the stick sometimes. there is no single person who - however much they absolutely, genuinely love you - won't also hurt you, come up short, neglect you and put their own needs ahead of yours ... AND whom you will hurt, shortchange, neglect and put in second place, among other things... no matter how much you love each other. if we can't keep loving and being loved in the midst of that, then what's the point? what is loving even for? love that fights and falters its way through that, both given and received, is the only kind of love that has the potential to change us, protect us and move our lives forward. 

*aside* i feel compelled to note here that i am not talking about abusive, destructive and manipulative cruelty in a relationship - those things are genuinely harmful and are not acceptable on any level, toward any person, ever.

it's not a very romantic notion that the bullet you will have to take for your loved one may well be shot from a gun they hold, is it? or that the sword they'll fall on will be yours sometimes. oh well... c'est la vie. but that's why love, honest to God, real love, is so powerful, so muscular and so damn strong. it is calloused and scarred from the battles we engage in, but kept pliable by the battlefields we limp off of, leaning heavily against each other. love that knows what it's for learns how to stitch up and soothe the wounds it causes; we who love learn to say sorry and mean it, to make amends, to right the wrong and figure out how to do it differently next time. better, hopefully. and we learn to allow ourselves to be stitched up, because pride has no place in love. i am terrible at that particular portion - i hold a grudge rather spectacularly and my pride struggles to accept peace offerings and apologies. i am learning though. trying to learn, anyways. 

the question 'what the hell is loving even for?' is even bigger and more daunting when expanded out of the personal realm ... 'choose love', 'love wins', 'love changes things', et al become much scarier propositions than the bumper stickers they reside on. what pain, what humiliation of our pride will be required of us if we were to even tiptoe out into the world with love that knows what it's for? 

the song is worth a listen, if you've got a minute -  ring the bells :) happy friday, y'all - love the hell out of someone today!