an honest story in parts: love

i am an evangelical pastor's daughter (pause) i was married to an evangelical pastor for 22 years (pause) i am divorced (pause) i am married (full stop)

when i left my marriage, it was with the honest intention of never getting married again. i was married at 18 and couldn't imagine a man or a circumstance that would be compelling enough. and then due to the happy accident of locking myself out of the house, i met this guy:

without warning, i found myself loved. loved. even adored. and i found love (and cheesy, smooshy cornball feelings) oozing out of me. it was really the strangest thing. and the most unexpected, beautiful thing. my whole life i had heard it said at weddings that someone was 'marrying their best friend' and while i knew it was a lovely sentiment, i dismissed it entirely as romantic rhetoric, not something that could possibly be true or bear the weight of Real Life. 

but then, this guy. the week we met he bought tickets for us to see my favorite band with vip access (!) for a show that was 3 months away. i was delighted, to say the least, but also figured it was a waste of his money because the likelihood we'd still be seeing each other was slim to nil. i made him promise to leave them with me when we broke up. that was 3 years ago. 

there's a line in one of my favorite songs that says, 'you can be flawed enough, but perfect for a person'. i have no illusion that either of us is perfect, far from it, but our flaws are part of what make us perfect for each other. turns out i *did* marry my best friend... we adventure through the world together, actual partners. we have each others backs.  and our friendship does bear the weight of Real Life. negotiating the tentative relationship with my daughter, which was fraught and volatile for nearly a year. being laid off. buying a home together. a job that had me in tears and wiped any margin or lightness from my life. big financial realities. loss of relationships. quarantine. and those are just the big ones. despite the small stresses and pettiness-es of daily of life, evening still finds us on the couch, side by side, touching or holding hands, every night. i look at us and wonder how on earth we got so lucky as to even find each other - a girl from western canada and a boy from west virginia, meeting in north carolina. i have to shake my head at the miracle of it all. 

but here's the thing. i struggle even to write that all down. i hesitate to openly celebrate all the crazy love i get to give and am given. because i am an evangelical pastor's daughter (pause) i was married to an evangelical pastor for 22 years (pause) i am divorced (pause) i am married (full stop)

the guilt and shame of leaving my first marriage is an undercurrent in my life. it carved deep grooves in my bedrock, that are only now starting to smooth out. i feel like i ought not to be outspoken, or even overly cheerful, about being married to my partner, my best friend and my lover. i feel as though it is frowned up, even dismissed as temporary or unfounded, because i am divorced.... that it is seen as a second class second marriage.

i am totally willing to admit that may be entirely internal and that none of it is coming from people i know or the world around me, but that just makes it even more appalling. even if, especially if, i am the only one i am living apologetically toward, it's a cruelty to my relationship, my husband and myself.

i am the luckiest girl around. maybe there are whole swaths of people who have spent 6 months cooped up with one person and are totally blissful about it, but maybe it's just us. who knows. but i *do* know that i am loved, and i love him. and my life is better, fuller, happier, safer and more joyful because of him. and i am grateful - like super, crazy grateful. i didn't think anything even close to this could be real. i recently posted that i was not going to apologize that we are so damn adorable... and i think it's time i really meant it.