depression

i am having a hard week. honesty is the best policy, right? i have woken up every day sad - feeling overwhelmed, adrift, hopeless and blah. there is nothing B can do, much to his dismay, to help, although he asks sincerely on the regular. it's the kind of week that makes me wonder if i need to go back on my anti-depressants. sigh.

so i was sitting here at work, sending innumerable emails, and i got a quick reply to one of them acknowledging receipt that just says, 'got it. enjoy today'

that little fraction of a sentence - enjoy today - washed over me like a tsunami. enjoy today. wouldn't that be nice? today is all i have to enjoy, isn't it? i can't enjoy the future yet, and i can't enjoy the past anymore. today is all i've got. why not enjoy it? well, the extra special thing about depression is that it doesn't care at all about what the reasonable response to you life is. it shows you all the things you could enjoy, and then says, 'but what's the point.' it colors everything grey without giving a single fuck about reality. 

but... is it possible that the small reminder to enjoy today can make a tiny crack and let some light in? for me, today, i think it is. i think it could be, anyways? i am also reminded of a short video i saw recently where people were asked 'what do you do every day to take care of yourself?', which seems like a more pointed question than the vague 'what do you do for self care?' so i asked myself that question, and the only concrete thing i could point to was i (try to) do yoga with adriene every day. taken together, enjoy today and what do you do every day to take care of yourself are reminders to me to fight the current of my depression and be intentional to look for something i can enjoy, and to do yoga. 

i am going to try.