instant dividends

"...these broken, wounded, and completely unpretentious people forced me to let go of my relevent self - the self that can do things, show things, prove things, build things - and forced me to reclaim that unadorned self in which I am completely vulnerable, open to recieve and give love regardless of any accomplishments."

These are the words of Henri Nouwen, who chose to leave his tenured position teaching at Harvard to work with L'Arche, a community for mentally handicapped adults. He talks about being faced with his "naked self", unable to rest on his reputation, the books he's published, the knowlege he had to impress them or create "relationships"....the things that made him "relevent" (but didn't satisfy his heart) became completely irrelevent there.

I struggle to be relevent, to prove I have something to offer - we all do, I think. Our inner shelf of personal trophies is full of our deeds, not our attitudes or be-ing's. Yet, the harder I try to prove my worth, the less sure I am of it. It's an odd paradox. I love the idea of "reclaiming my unadorned self" - being free to love and be loved for no reason at all. That really sounds like freedom to me, don't you think?

glorious! glorious!

I did great last night! For a minute, it looked like we might get rained out, but just in time the clouds broke....hooray! And i looked darn cute, too! :) As I walked off the field, the USA baseball rep said, “We really ought to come to some sort of long term arrangement with you. You’re the best anthem singer we’ve had out here.” Oh happy day!

In other news, I have got to stop my "woe is me" party. This is sort of like a pity-party, but there is nothing around here to "pity" - i am just full of ennui & a general sort of malaise/depresssion. Surprisingly, this is not as much fun as it sounds. I have a big & fun month, but can hardly summon the energy to look at my calendar. This is not cool, people. I will have to instigate some personal wellness disciplines, i think....from going to bed earlier to reading for my heart to the discipline of unselfishness. I have got to get beyond myself! This is a very tricky thing to do!!! *sigh* Just when I think I've got life figured out... being a 'grown up' is a lot harder than i thought it would be....

nancy drew

kyra has a new favorite book quote, from one of the nancy drew mysteries. it goes like this:

"holp! holp! i'm dwowning!"

i feel that.

phew!

so, the clean carpet dream was only the start, i guess.

you know how sunday is for naps on the couch, laying around and maybe a trip to the beach? not for me...not today. today, i did 3 1/2 hours of hard core cleaning...the kind that involves mulitple cleaning products...and i'm not even done yet. but i'm done for now. ungh. this is when a lovely glass of red wine is truly something that "gladdens the heart of man" (psalm 104:15). if david can celebrate the vino, so can i!

how the mighty have fallen

last night, i had a dream. a dream that consumed me - a long and satisfying dream, full of every tiny detail. a dream that followed me into my waking hours, that i've been thinking about all morning. i am hesitant to share it with you, for fear of what you will think of me. but we've come this far together, we may as well go all the way... i dreamt i rented a carpet cleaner. and cleaned all my carpets. and they were glorious. and i am pathetic - my highest and most satisfying fantasy is clean carpets. oh, how the mighty have fallen....

long time no chat!

hey guys!

so i was in virginia - lovely. saw lisa - lovely. had my first wine "flight" - super lovely.

but, boy, am i glad to be home.

going to bed now - i'll write something witty later.

big love....

details, details!

man! ok ok! here are the "details"...

the game starts @ 7pm monday night -and here are the directions (or mapquest them yourself ... 111 Brooks Park Lane, Apex, NC 27502):

Ø From Cary travel High House Road to Highway 55 at the intersection continue straight onto Green Level Road West. Travel on Green Level Road West approximately 3 miles then take a right onto Green Level Church Road. The park is approximately 2 miles on the right.

Ø From Raleigh take the 440 Beltline to the US 1/Highwy 64 exit. Travel on Highway 64 until the Highway 55 exit. Take Highway 55 north until it intersects with High House Road and Green Level Road West. Turn left onto Green Level Road West, travel approximately 3 miles then take a right onto Green Level Church Road. The park is approximately 2 miles on the right.

on a different note, i am going to richmond today to see my friend, lisa. i will talk to you all when i get back on friday. :) have a lovely rest of your week!

this one i earned!

guess what!! usa baseball called me back to sing at a game! in the evening this time! hooray! i am so happy! andrew may have got me the first one, but i can't help but think they called back because i rocked the anthem! hoo-rah!

boys! boys!

oh boy oh boy! i am psyched! i am going to the leadership summit this year, and i just looked at their website, and they've added KIRK FRANKLIN! I LOVE HIM! his 'hero' cd is the best victory music around (that boy has got the vic-tory!)....never mind that he's a musical genius and his music is so full of ... for lack of a better word, music! :) 'hero' has a track with stevie wonder called 'why' that is phenominal!! i was telling my friend Lu that one of the funny things about that cd is that my favorite tracks on it are the ones that i have no personal reference point for - but they speak beyond my culture & i find them very evocative. i am so excited to see him!! hooray!

plus they added marcus buckingham, who i've heard before, who is not only a leadership genius, but a very handsome brit with a fabulous accent...(sorry curtis - but don't worry, i love you more!)

multi-faceted

on my coffee table right now...in various stages of being read & finished being read....

1. harry potter & the deathly hallows (read the whole thing in one night - now i am reading it againg...and i didn't even peek ahead to the ending!)
2. allure "the #1 beauty magazine"
3. vogue
4. mere christianity - c.s. lewis
5. death by love at first sight - jvo

what can i say? i'm a complicated woman.

speechless

1. hilarious!


2. how concerned should i be that meg looks like she's trying out for america's next top model? and like she could win!? look at her body language! add a louis vitton bag or some gucci heels, and she's that wierd, high fasion girl! OH NO!
   

3 points & a poem

• curtis took aretha, my laptop, to his conference. i don't have my IM, or my web favs... i miss her...
• i read some c.s. lewis last night - mere christianity - and his brilliant intellect is so accessible, completely lacking in grandiosity or verbal strutting... and even though my pogo stick strained to follow his neatly laid railroad ties, i think i found my new favorite sentences..."Besides being complicated, reality, in my experience, is usually odd. it is not neat, not obvious, not what you expect." story of my life!
• i had a terrible sleep last night. there were 'bad guys' behind every cricket chirp, and i was up at least every couple of hours to peer out between the slats of the blinds. i slept with the machete beside my bed...

"am I in here?"

once I was a girl who
relished the grass –
rolled
lay
picked
nibbled
on in it

now i carefully prop myself
in chairs & on blankets,
if need be

once i was a fleet footed
indian warrior princess,
racing
whooping
gathering
singing
in a deep wood

now I carefully wash,
clean & despair
at the mess & clutter of childhood

until
suddenly

a young mermaid crowns me
with a twist of vines
and declares me

The Mermaid Queen

and skips away laughing

luxury nail salon

so, go to the nail salon on fayetteville beside wal-greens, and ask for a facial with Ivy. but you will have to wait til september, because she is going home to the phillipines for the rest of the summer. anything that begins with, "i have blankets for you" and ends with someone gently combing your hair can't be bad! ha! reallly though, it was so lovely - my first facial since we moved here - and i am totally going back...in september.

in other news, my husband is a yeti. not his fault - but there haven't been any confirmed sightings, if you know what i mean. sigh. to say that he hit the ground running after we got home from our vacay is an understatement. he worked all day sunday after church, and worked 13 hours on monday, which is supposed to be his one day off. and to top it off, he is at a conference today and tomorrow (including overnight).... sasquatch, indeed. i am not bitter at him - truly not his fault - but i am lonely, you know? and that makes me grouchy. damn.

singing over me

my brother jordan vincent has started singing a song over me - naming gifts & abilities he sees in me, calling me by a new name, if you will. (this is an odd reversal - sort of amusing to have my baby brother doing this) it comes on the heels of an experience that left me feeling like i live my life as an extra in someone else's a movie...so it's been especially provocative in my heart. it is quite something to have someone believe in your innerself...and tell you that out loud, over and over, until you start to believe it, too. it's a gift. maybe i will be able to learn the tune...

monday morning

i rebel.

shout out to my momma!

so, one of the cards waiting when we got home was from my mom, (who included $20 so we could order pizza and not have to get groceries right away - what a great mom!), that said 'welcome home & happy anniversary!", along with a wine bottle candelabra thingy (very pretty). curtis read it and said, "she knows our anniversary is in august, right?" because she forgets every year. and i replied "she knows it's in the summer" :) (LOVE YOU MOM!) any way, all this to say, this is the front of the card she sent (sorry it's blurry):

that's right, baby! make your own damn dinner! can i just say one more time that i love my mom? ha!

homecoming

i will spare the gory details til we have a real conversation, but let's just say that we were 4 1/2 hours early at the airport and just barely made our flight. the trip was anything but smooth or anticlimactic, but all obsticles were overcome (thank you for your prayers!!!) and we are home!! all SICK, and pooped, but HOME!! and we came home to signs (literally!) of how much we are loved. you may not be able to tell, but Sarah even drew on all the stars! holy crap! :) there was an "i missed you card", a welcome home card, a bottle of wine, some brownies with nuts for curtis, donughts (which we ate for breakfast, along with the milk John & Jaya tucked into our fridge), and andrew, God love him, brought me a "take along" pack of wine in the car with him to pick up Kyra and I from the airport ... it even had a bendy straw! this is why nc is home - it goes so much deeper than the weather! :) but it's a nice perk.

i am pooped gang. and i have to get groceries and unpack the kiddos yet. so i'm off - but i'll talk to you all later. thanks for all the love - big love right back at ya! xoxo rae

last hurrah

this is our last day here - we leave tomorrow morning. here are a few pictures of our last "hurrah"...

it's been a good trip - the time has actually flown by - but i am ready to go home. to be in my own space at my own pace, you know? and, in the last 3 or 4 days, everyone has gotten pretty sick (i place myself at the top of that list) and we are all weary. home, james!

the truth about nostalgia

so, you may have read that my dad is all misty & nostalgic for the prairies of my youth. and it's true - the sights & smells of my childhood are happy and i have loved experiencing them on this trip. but they are not what i live for anymore...they are the ghosts of my past, not my present, or even my future. my heart lives in the smell of wild honeysuckle and butterfly bushes, in the sight of the crepe myrtle trees blooming hot pink & heavy, the feeling of the humid warm air on my skin in the late evening while bats swoop past the streetlights and fireflies bob in the lawn. i love the memories i have of my childhood...but i am a grown up now, and have put childish things behind me. :) so as much as i love the thick smell of canola in the summer air, give me the fragrant trees of north carolina any day.

the canola i love...

peeps

there are just some people you always have room in your heart for... these are some of my peeps - annelie, bonny, rienna, karen, me & kristine - who got together last night. even though we don't see each other often, we shared our lives so closely for so long that it's like walking back into a room you just left to be with them. they are fantastic women, and i am lucky to count them as my friends!

this is curtis & jeff... they've been together longer than curtis & I have! :) they were roommates at school, went to jazz school together after curtis & i were married, were the best men at each other's wedding... i don't know of two men who are closer friends. curtis loves him even though he is "an uber-talented, i-can-do-anything-better-than-anyone, friend" :) they are so cute to watch together, and i like to say that on the rare occasions that they get to see each other, jeff gets dibs on curtis!

jeez my mom is demanding!

ok - ok! i've been slack blogging, but i've been a busy beaver! i have actually WORKED - like at a JOB - for the last 4 days! phew! been at the salon, play...i mean... working with my friends. :)

but i will leave you with this -

driving home tonight from a rehersal, the air was redolent with the smell of fresh cut hay - so much so you could almost taste it. it's one of the happy smells of my childhood... and the canola is yellow. there are miles upon miles of fields of yellow canola, and i love it so much. i will try to take a picture... some people think it smells yucky, but again, a happy smell of my childhood.

good night!

to tired to type, but...

the royal tyrell museum - one of the most famous & extensive dinosaur museums in the world, and it's a mere 3.5 hours away. and since you can't read the little sign, meg is touching an actual, real mastadon tusk...