Wednesday, May 18, 2011

misery loves company

i am not unreliable. i'm NOT. i used to be, but it's one of the things that i really worked hard to overcome. i learned - i thought - to make plans and stick to them. let my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no".

but dammit, i missed a really important appt this past weekend, and i missed it 2 months ago, too. so today i got an "i am very disappointed in you" email, & now i feel like i don't even know who i am. maybe i just totally suck. maybe i am flakey and flighty and lame. at least that is how i feel. :/ i want to quit my life and hide i a hole where i can't disappoint anyone.

welcome to my pity party.

in the past 5 months, i started working full-time for the first time in 10 years - with a 40 min commute one way. 3 weeks ago we moved into our new house - selling, buying, packing, uhauling & unpacking. now our kids have the 40 minute commute. we are trying to get the girls transferred to the schools we hope they can attend. curtis is going to africa in a month, and i don't even know the dates on which he leaves & returns. we are in the first year of our church plant. (that alone is enough insanity to make a grown woman cry.) our girls have had chorus, jr. national honors society, ib ambassador events, violin lessons, and the rest of the scheduling nightmare of tweens & teens. i am lucky to have one free night a week, and even luckier if it's the same free night curtis has. there are 4 or 5 couples we are trying so hard to find time for socially, friends we love and barely speak to, let alone get to spend time with. there is always a saturday event (or 3), and sundays are full from dawn til dusk - the last 3 weekends for me were children's ministry, worship team, children's ministry. (all of which is good, but... sabbath? what is that?) . i collapse into bed every sunday night swearing that "this week will be more relaxed"... but it never is. if nothing else i have laundry, dinner, housework, work-work, homework... and squeezing in time to blog when i should be doing the dished & doing pilates. (not to mention finding time to be sexy ... again i have to ask ... what is that?)

i know i'm not the only one with a crazy life - i know. but today, that email made me feel like shit. (again - sorry if my profanity offends you. tell it like it is or don't tell it at all. my new philosophy.) i didn't MEAN to miss it! i thought it was this saturday. i am not a terrible person. i am an overwhelmed person. where is the grace for that?


Krissi said...

I kept forgetting about a lunch date recently (it was rescheduled three times). The final time we scheduled, I told my friend, "I need you to send me a reminder text or email the day before." If it's a quality enough friend, they will do that for you if they ask. If that idea makes them frustrated, doesn't sound like a great friend to me!

Your life sounds crazy. I'm doing nothing much these days. I wish I could use my time to help ease some of your stress!

Krissi said...

"they will do that for you if YOU ask." That's what I meant to write.

rachel said...

not a friend "appt" - which makes it so much worse. sigh.

Angela said...

I want to know who thinks he/she has the right to tell you about their deep seated disappointment who isn't a friend, or (in a worse case scenario) a boss, or a family member. Because really, beyond that? Who really has the right to do that? Clearly CLEARLY someone who doesn't have the balls to pick up the phone and tell you, but has to do with the whole email-at-arm's-length thing. Life happens. It goes on. Get over it. Them. Not you.

Lee Ann said...

I missed an appt for a mammogram a few weeks ago,then two weeks later a follow up appt for my daughter. My life is like yours except for the church plant, which is huge. The life of a working mother feels out of control, despite being reliable, responsible women. There are days when it is just too much. Was it like this for our mothers, all women before us?!?