honesty. i have a drinking problem. not a "how much" problem, necessarily, but definitely a "why & when" problem. the days that i want a glass, or two, of wine more than anything are the days i am stressed or anxious...frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed or scared. on those days i crave the sharp smooth taste of a glass of red, longing for the fog it wraps around me. and it's about time i admitted that i know the fog is an insidious, evil lie. it promises to ease my anxiety, soothe my fears and calm my weary heart... and i want that so, so much. but in reality, it robs me. it robs me of the little time i have with my family, as i curl within myself, letting the fog separate me from their stories and presence. it robs me of feeling the sharp joys of life - the fog dulls everything without prejudice. and most importantly, it robs me of God. it robs me of recalling that i have faced smaller, and much larger, circumstances that God has brought me through. it robs me of the courage to depend on the One who has never abandoned me, never turned His back on me. it robs me of the chance to trust Him again... and so it robs me of our relationship. and it's also about time i acknowledged that relationship is the only thing that really does ease my anxiety, soothe my fears and calm my weary heart.
i'm probably not going to stop enjoying a glass of wine, but i definitely need to honestly examine my why's and when's.
i can't stop you from judging me because of this post, but i hope you won't. i hope it might even give you the courage to look at whatever is robbing you.
6 comments:
A glass or two of wine can be an emotional facilitator as well as an emotional risk. And sometimes we need breaks. Moderation is key, but reasons be damned.
-bb
Rachel, we love so many things about you, and your honesty is high on the list. thanks for sharing this. beautiful insight and honesty. precious in the sight of God. So much to be thankful for. :-)
Rae - I love you. And I love your "voice" in your posts ... it is so good to read.
I love your 'voice' too... you are gutsy. Just facing things our reality and owning it is healthy. You are brave in all kinds of ways.
Love you Rachel. You have always been to me a voice of honesty and asking tough questions of both others and yourself.
And now I can see more clearly what was in my heart and on my mind when I finally figured out that, after 25 years of legal practice with alcohol, I was not better off with it. Thank you for your beautiful musings, Rachel.
Post a Comment