dig a little

have you ever considered what you value? really, honestly value? not what do you 'believe', but what are your (perhaps unconscious) values? what is in the core of you that drives your behavior and informs your beliefs? values aren't good or bad, they have no intrinsic morality - they influence and drive us in positive and negative ways. however, they are the underlying foundation that we build our selves on. it's an important thing, i think, to dig down to our foundations and see what our selves are built upon. 

i was asked once what my top five values were, and it was harder than i expected to come up with names for the drives behind how i live. why am i drawn to certain beliefs and practices? i bring this up because the weight and struggle of the past 6 months is honing my understanding of myself, and i suspect it is honing yours, as well. i am revisiting this question - what do i value? - and wanted to invite you to consider it, too. what are your intrinsic values?

i value freedom, and it comes out in funny ways. i hate to travel in groups, or on someone else's schedule. i get impatient and frustrated by things that require group consensus. i balk when being told what i 'have to'. it's why i chose to be come an American. i wanted to live here and i knew that as long as i was not an American there was a risk that someone would take away my choice to decide that for myself. valuing freedom also means that there are times that i cheerfully surrender it, and decide to hitch my little wagon to someone or something, which is also a freedom, because i choose it. there's very little chance i'll turn back from that choice, either. i'm all in.

i value beauty. it's why i love to decorate my home and adjust the knickknacks and wear lipstick and have cute hair. it's why i love music and nature and gem mining. so much beauty in the world! i hugely value curiosity - sometimes i feel like four-year old - wide eyed and wondering. i like to be taught interesting things - whether about the treehopper family of bugs or the world of marvel comics. the flips-side is also why i can be an 'interrupting cow' sometimes (as B says)... because i have an idea or piece of information i've learned that i am excited to share (sorry y'all!) i have to add relationship to the list. my people are my people, but this value is also why i am champion grudge holder. it is almost impossible for me to move past something that creates core damage in a relationship i am a part of. (eep)

the one that i've realized needs to be moved up the list is feasting. i'm not sure that even a year ago i would have considered feasting a value, but i have come to see that it is. it drives me to buy chocolate cake mix on friday afternoon so we can have cake to celebrate the end of the work week. it's why i love to throw parties and celebrate at any opportunity, why i like to wear halloween costumes to work and why i want to have you over for dinner or mix you a fun cocktail... i want to feast, celebrate, find and create joy. it's also why sometimes i drink too much, or cheer too obnoxiously - oops. 

so, what do you value? i'd love to know, if you have time to comment. i hope you at least dig around in the idea a little. it might even surprise you? at the very least, it's pretty damn informative when it comes to answering questions like, 'why on earth did i do that??'