brave enough

.... and so we wait...

wait for something to happen.

wait for a loved one to arrive.

wait for the good news.

wait for the first day.

wait for the last day.

is it possible that there is fruit to be found yet in the waiting? is it possible that, against all odds, the waiting is actually part & parcel of the very thing we are waiting for?

what if "the perception of the new step will only come to those brave enough to stop dancing the old?" and what if "the truly free, the brave who truly seek God, will always have periods, commas, full-stops, punctuation marks, pregnant pauses, breves & semibreves of silence where those around them are given freedom to walk; give space to deconstruct structures, to reimagine and rethink"?

i do not wait well. i sink into myself, into inertia, making little, or no, effort to cultivate the fruit that can be grown in the time between times. wasting so much fertile soil...

twin update!

here's a few things about the girls... :) :)

aly is a reckless, grinning, shrieking noodle of a girl! :) she is a constant open mouth grin, and flings herself across you with reckless abandon. it's too cute to even describe. she is like meg in that she has absolutely no personal space needs, and all she wants to do is touch you, grab you, etc. her eyes are the most honestly mischievous things i've ever seen! :)

zoe is a lot less grabby, but once she warms up to you, you want to work to earn her smile... she is beautiful, really. she's changed the most from her baby face, with wide, warm eyes and a totally beautiful spirit.

they are so different - sitting beside each other you might not think they are sisters.... aly's hair and skin are darker, and her face is a totally different shape. they have different personalities, and are so fun to sit and watch. i love to sit on the floor with them. they are delightful! :)

from the mouth of babes

The Girls are sitting behind me, watching "The Prince of Egypt" - the dreamworks retelling of moses & pharaoh, and the freeing of the Israelites.

pharaoh crests the hill, and israel is thrown into terror... forced up against the edge of the sea, nowhere to run, no help to be found. suddenly, the finger of God throws a wall of flame between the two, and now israel is between the flame & the sea... still, no way out. at a word from God, moses' staff hits the water, and the sea parts, towering walls of water on either side, and the choice is clear. fire, water, or the most terrifying path ever walked by man. but through they go - fish swimming past at the water-wall's edge, carts & animals sticking in the deep mud, hushed & platter-eyed children clinging to their parents robe. once on the other side, with pharoah's army having rushed into the breach after them, the crushing water overspills it's divine walls, drowning the entire army... each israelite safe on dry ground.

kyra, in the wonder of the moment (which dreamworks captures like nothing i had ever imagined), said, "i can't believe they would go on to worship idols after that." as i tried to provide a commentary on that, it struck like a bag of hammers that the story of the israelites is my story, too. in my dire need & circumstance, God shows his power & faithfulness, but at the very next sign of trouble, i am thrown into a chasm of doubt - "where are you, God?" ... "why God?"... "where God?"... i am an israelite, too.

God forgive me for all those times i have forgotten your power so quickly, and looked for my own answers. don't let me forget my own moments at the red sea's edge, when you have parted the water for my rescue... and thank you for them.

this is what childhood should be

nos cedamus Amori

it's hard to tell from the photo, but the ink is actually brown, not black. "nos cedamus Amori"... "let us now yield to Love" - from the poem by Virgil, it's actually the second half of the phrase 'love conquers all'. the more important half, if you ask me. and it sums up my whole life's philosophy: yield to the furious & foolish Love of God, yield in Love to each other.

my how time flies

as i type this, i am a mere 3 sleeps from my FIFTEENTH anniversary! yes, i know - i'm far too young to have been married for 15 years, (ha!), but there it is, nevertheless.

people say marriage is hard work, and while i know that to be true, i also know that my marriage is more often fruitful, joyful, safe-making, comfort-giving & sure. there are many pieces and parts of my life that feel vulnerable right now - many things that seem flimsy to me - but none of them are curtis. not one of them is our marriage. even when i know i am making him angry or he is frustrating me, i don't have to worry that it's "the last straw". no matter how much we may not like each other at any given moment, our Love is certain, and we both know those moments pass.

so here's to us! two kids who got married too young, too fast.... who made choices that may have seemed crazy from the outside looking in, but who were following God as honestly as they could.... who have suffered the pain of life's losses alongside the beauty of it's gifts. there's a lyric in a song that is, "let's find out the beauty of seeing things through..." having seen through the last 15 years, i can tell you, there is beauty... and more beauty to come in the next 15.

thanks for being mine, curtis. i love you.

mini me

ah, meg.... my little mini me.

not a day passes lately that doesn't find her sitting in her room on her pink fuzzy beanbag chair, door closed, inches from her cd player, singing along and memorizing track numbers. the ones that get a lot of play are usually the love songs from her favorites: india.arie, alicia keys & zoe girl... though she does love a little kirk franklin (smart girl!). nothing like hearing your 9yr old crooning, "... tomorrow we'll pick up the pieces/start to mend our broken lives/slow kiss, high tide/make it a long goodbye..."