The Girls

tonight is meg's birthday eve... tomorrow she will be 12 years old. gosh - time flies!

many weeks ago, as we were walking the dog around shelley lake, we passed a group of people fencing in the park (weird) and meg said, "oooh! i want a sword for my birthday!" she spent the rest of our walk talking about it... and kyra leaned over to me and whispered that she wanted to get meg foam swords for her birthday. later that night, she came to my room to exult that she had found in the book her uncle gave her for christmas - a guide to immaturity - directions for how to sword fight!

just now, with very little prodding, kyra gave meg her gift a night early - 2 foam swords, the directions (ripped out of the book), and a band aid.

so i am sitting on my deck, after a birthday eve meal of hotdogs roasted over the firepit, watching my girls sword fighting, laughing their heads off, with much "hyah!" and "hoh!" and "hawah!" - ing, saying things like, "jump! i'm going to swipe under you now!" or "after we circle, we're going to clash 15 times and you're going to get my head and i'm going to get your feet!" as a matter of fact, meg just said, "we're going to be professionals by the end of the night!" to which kyra replied, "i know!" :) it's hilarious. and wonderful. sometimes they can't even stand up they're laughing so hard. joy and friendship radiant from them, and more than anything, that's what i'm grateful for.

today was a long day, not entirely what i had felt like i needed, but this is the kind of moment that brings a little bit of healing into me. kyra said she's going to get curtis to video it on her phone, and if it makes it to my email, i'll post it for your enjoyment. :)

one more reason

here's the thing. there needs to be more parties. more celebrations. they don't need to be big, but they need to be more frequent. we don't take enough time to create joy in our lives!

i love parties. i love to celebrate people and events and nothing at all... i love that you guys dressed to the hilt last night and brought food and laughed and stayed and made the night something festive and wonderful. i love that all the wine was sipped and the margarita bucket emptied and the wood for the fire consumed. i love it all. and i love you guys. you are my people. you make my life rich. which is a whole separate reason to celebrate.

my next party is going to celebrate you... it's gonna be fabulous!
<3 rae

God, are you out there?

this is what the moon looks like at my  house tonight. (minus the mountains.) a sliver of crescent at the bottom, with the faint, full orb visible. i still remember the first time i ever saw a moon like this - full, but hidden. i was dumbstruck. suddenly the moon wasn't a light in the sky, but a wholly different entity that took my breath away.

tonight it reminded me of a conversation i had with kyra, who is starting biology today. biology was my hands-down favorite subject... mostly because of the jaw-dropping awe of complexity...not only of the world or the human body, but even the universes' tiniest pieces, and how terrifyingly interdependent we all are. i find it reassuring, all the complexity and dependence. it reminds that i am here on purpose, that God has created, and does create... that all is not lost.

for your consideration:

Arthur L. Schawlow (Professor of Physics at Stanford University, 1981 Nobel Prize in physics): "It seems to me that when confronted with the marvels of life and the universe, one must ask why and not just how. The only possible answers are religious. . . . I find a need for God in the universe and in my own life." 

Fred Hoyle (British astrophysicist): "A common sense interpretation of the facts suggests that a superintellect has monkeyed with physics, as well as with chemistry and biology, and that there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature. The numbers one calculates from the facts seem to me so overwhelming as to put this conclusion almost beyond question." 

George Ellis (British astrophysicist): "Amazing fine tuning occurs in the laws that make this [complexity] possible. Realization of the complexity of what is accomplished makes it very difficult not to use the word 'miraculous' without taking a stand as to the ontological status of the word." 

Robert Jastrow (self-proclaimed agnostic): "For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries."

snippets

in november i gave my much beloved cat, holidae, to my little brother vincent upon the arrival of our dog. she just refused to adjust, as evidenced by not one, not two, but THREE occasions of peeing on my bed... once right on my hand. anyways, rather than dump her in the pound, vinny offered to help me out by adopting her. he is a lovely boy. :) this is an email i received from him today:

Rae -- I don't know if you allow guest posts on your blog, but I thought you might like this transcript of last night's goings on. Thought it might make ya smile.

me: zzzzz...

Holi: mew

me: zzzzz...

Holi: mee-owww

me: zzzzz...

Holi: (wet nose)

me: grllrgh

Holi: (purr)

me: grllrgh

Holi: (cough) (spittle)

me: gross

Holi: (wet nose)

me: damnit Holi

Holi: (purr)

me: (roll over)

Holi: mee-oww

me: zzzzz...

Holi: (cough) (spittle)

me: zzzzz...

Holi: (purr)

and you know what? it did. it did make me smile. because holi loves vinny, i can tell. and he didn't shove her off the bed, so he loves her too. and i love him, regardless of cat adoptions. and he is getting married! which has nothing to do with the cat, but still! my baby brother is getting married! <3

what about....rachel?

have you seen 'what about bob'? with bill murray and richard dryfuess? there is a hilarious scene where bob is strapped and tied to the mast of a boat, and he is yelling at the top of his lungs... 

"i'm sailing! i'm sailing! i'm a sailor! i sail!"

i am having a 'what about bob' moment in my life. i've started going to wine & design when the budget affords, and i love it. like, really, really love it. i have so far only painted 2 canvases, and in my heart of hearts i sing to myself, "i'm painting! i'm painting! i'm a painter! i paint!"

now, understand, my paintings are not terrible... they're even lovely. but when i look at my old friend kim's paintings, i am awed at her stunning work. she is painter.

i had a moment when this crushed me. i realized am not a painter... just a girl who paid her money to take a class and ended up with a modest finished product. but.... but in my simple and ordinary way, i created beauty. i created beauty for my brother - the lucky recipient of my 'work'. it created joy within myself, which is really another form of beauty. and we, humanity, were meant to create and add to the beauty of what has already been created. everyone has an innate ability to give beauty form... in song, in invention, in molecules, in flowers, in children, in discovery, in happiness or hospitality or sculpture or kindness or friendship.

there was a song that was on sesame street when i was a girl. "sing, sing a song... sing out loud... sing out strong. it doesn't matter if it's good enough for anyone else to hear... just sing, sing a song." i nearly let the beauty of kim's art lead me to despair... to where i wanted to stop singing my small song. but you know what? i refuse to dampen the beauty. i choose to embrace the spirit of Bob. guess what, ya'll?

i'm a painter! i'm a painter! i paint! :)

subtle drift

i got into my car today and realized i've become someone i never intended to be.

my prius - which i love - boasts numerous bumper stickers. even "hippie" bumper stickers. like, "love wins"... and a faded old 'toms' sticker, and even a sticker from a band. that i don't even love, but came free with the cd. and then the dog magnets... "dog mom" and "i love my rescue dog"... and looking at the stickers led me to the acknowledgement that not only am i a "dog mom", i'm a dog mom who puts a sweater on her (50lb) dog to walk her in the cold (45F. not that cold.) because she's adorable in it! somehow i have become a woman in her 30's whose car is covered with principled bumper stickers, who puts sweaters on her dog, and who, this very weekend, went to a fabulous local restaurant - the kind with actual ambiance - totally unshowered, and dressed remarkably like a homeless person. and i didn't even care. 


i don't even know who i am anymore. :)

according to the intertubes...

... a dog causes an average of nearly 2000 more arguments in a family per year! this surprised me, seeing as how swagger has really added mostly joy & family togetherness... but as i gave it some thought, i realized there is one argument that has been happening over and over. although maybe it's not so much an argument as me being a 4yr old and curtis having to play the role of Patient Dad (which fortunately he's very good at!).

Curtis: swagger - let's go! off the bed! it's bedtime!

(swagger looks at him, then at me, from her position in the absolute middle of the bed)

Me: but i want her...

Curtis: but you don't sleep as well with her in the bed...

Me: but i waaant her....

Curtis: but I don't sleep as well with her in the bed

Me: but i waaaant her....

Curtis: rachel. it's like sleeping with a 50lb bag of wet cement in the middle of the bed.

Me: iknowbutiwaaaantherinthebed...

Curtis: sigh.

Me: how about if we let her sleep her to start and if she makes you crazy you can kick her out! (valiantly trying to haul 50lb of wet cement closer to my side of the bed... failing tremendously.) see! she's on my side...

(at this point curtis smiles wearily and i know that (a) i've won this round and (b) he must really love me to put up with my crazy.)

Curtis: ok. but if i can't sleep i'm kicking her out.

Me: (curling up around swagger in the little space i have, laying my arms across her unyielding frame, and burying my head into her side) ok...

Curtis: sigh.