new year, new blog?

recently i've had several friends say that i should start blogging again... what a lovely sentiment! :) i would hesitate to call it "popular demand", but i think blogging again is one of my 2012 plans. woot! i must warn you,  my little community of readers, that it will probably be different this time around. i started blogging for my own sake, then as a way to share my life with my brother, and my overall tone was always intentionally lighthearted. i think i only want to come back to blogging if i allow myself to be more real, you know? not just the happy & fluffy, but also the hard and painful. more a true reflection of life. i hope you'll stay with me, fellow humans, and comment and suggest and enjoy reading. maybe we can make a little community of people on the porch... but let's start by being honest. we're probably going be drinking wine at least as often as we're going be drinking coffee. :)

beauty (sorry, jess...it's a long one)

i've been thinking a lot about beauty lately. it started one day while i was cruising through the berry and came across post after post of terrible plastic surgery. one picture that struck me particularly was this one...

i couldn't figure out why 2 young women would absolutely obliterate themselves like this. i mean, it seems to me that they didn't just change their faces... something inside of them changed, too. it's like they tried to erase who they were entirely. i can't imagine the kind of self-loathing that would take. 

so i started thinking that i wanted to post a rant against plastic surgery. i looked at those girls and all i saw was hurt, and how our culture had smashed into them over and over until they believed the lie that they weren't enough, weren't beautiful, as themselves. i was going to flay our western life.

last night we had dinner with friends who have an infant daughter. we got to talking about raising girls, and how careful you have to be how you talk to them about them. i never tell one of my daughters how beautiful they are (and they are beautiful!) without also telling them how smart they are (also true) or how i noted their kindness or generosity or inner beauty in some way. i want them to be confident in their appearance, but also know that it's not the thing on which they should hang their hat, you know?

and then i had a conversation at church today with a friend who got a haircut she didn't like. if you know anything about me, you know that i am unusually passionate about cute hair. :) so when my friend bemoaned her hair, she had me at hello. but then she said, speaking of her young daughter, "i always tell her it doesn't matter what you look like, it doesn't matter if that's your favorite dress, all that matters is how you treat people... what your heart looks like. and here i am whining that i don't like my hair!" 

suddenly, the confluence of those conversations overwhelmed my plastic surgery fury and something shifted inside of me. i remembered that we are created for beauty. God placed man in the garden of eden, the epitome of lushness and beauty. God created man & woman "in his own image" - and God is described variously in the Bible as beautiful, radiant, full of splendor, glorious, like the dawn...the list goes on an on. and if we are created in that image, we are also created for beauty. even "capital B" beauty. to long for it, to create it, to reflect it, to be drawn to it. from a painter with his palette to a chef with her cakes, we all long for splendor. the mom who delights in braiding her daughters' hair, the engineer who creates perfection in the machine, the tourist lost in front of a painting at the louvre, the gardener who plants a riot of flowers... we are all obeying an innate drive to participate in the creation & celebration of beauty. and now, when i look at those girls, instead of railing against culture or wanting to call them idiots, i feel very, very sad. they have an inner drive toward beauty, but they don't know what it means. they may not have ever had someone celebrate the beauty they were - inside and out. i see them and think how we have gotten this so wrong. and my heart breaks for them.

i said some of that to my friend this morning, and she reacted with surprise. the idea that the small, seemingly petty desire for cute hair could be a reverberation of something deeper, something more real, caught her off guard, i think. don't get me wrong - the way we look should neither be the capstone nor the cornerstone of our lives... but it seems to me that we do ourselves a disservice when we shrug it off as shallow, or beneath us, or even worse, "unchristian". we worship a God who every night paints a sunset, who created, for example sea slugs - sea slugs! - that are some of the most beautiful creatures on our planet! and they have no need for beauty! i think it was just the pure joy of God in decorating them that we get to witness when we see them. we should get to participate in that joy! 

what if, instead of following a list of do's and don't's, trying to be good little girls (or boys), we tried to live in a way that created beauty, even just a little bit, in every moment. if we asked ourselves in each interaction, "how can i add some beauty here?" if we told someone when we thought they were being beautiful in how they were... or that we thought they had a beautiful smile, or laugh, or hair? 

i believe that humanity was created on purpose. i believe we were created to reflect the image of our Maker, and that he is Beauty. any beauty we create, long for, or experience is simply an echo of that ultimate Beauty. 

oh, crap.

it hit home tonight, twice.

the first time was when we walked into our local k-mart (target, i miss you!), and there in front of us was a rack full of "sanderson spartan" gear - sanderson being the high school kyra will be at this fall. she eagerly picked out a cute t (and paid for it herself), giddy at the thought of school spirit and high school and who knows what else. then, on to kroger. where a very friendly young cashier asked me if The Girls were my daughters. smiling, i said yes... only to be dismayed as he turned to kyra and his friendliness morphed into flirtatiousness, and he asked her if she was SEVENTEEN!! seventeen. 17. one - seven. she giggled... giggled & blushed... and preened. like some sort of cockatiel!

watching her as i paid for my groceries, i realized there was no going back. my little girl is a teenager. oh, crap...

the world is weird

you know what's weird? that curtis can send me a text message from jo'burg, south africa, but his laptop won't recognize the ip to send me an email. that seems so...upside down to me!

but the good news is he landed safe & sound! hooray! :)

a christmas miracle!

i had a saturday.

no no - you don't understand... I experienced SATURDAY today.

i can't recall the last time this happened to me. i mean, i still did a lot of stuff - got up before 9, did kid driving around back and forth to durham, ran to the store to get a swimsuit (wah!), fed everyone lunch and dinner, cleaned the kichen, did 3 loads of laundry (including folding and putting away!), took kyra and molly for a walk around shelly lake, ran to kroger to return our redbox & get the girls ice cream. but i also got a nap, sat at the pool for an hour, got rained on, and felt a peaceful, yet productive, rhythm in my day.

now it's 8, and the girls are settling in for a movie, and i am feeling... sabbath. shalom. peace in my heart. even inner tranquility. it's a feeling so foreign to me ... it has been a long, long time. so i am going to savor it... sit here and enjoy a glass of wine and let it wash over me.

peace.

i'm late!

i am procrastinating going to work. in about 7 minutes i am going to have to race through brushing my teeth to get to work on time by the skin of said teeth. but who cares? :) it's friday!

nothing new to report, other than i think when holidae goes to cat heaven we're going to get a dog. :) if you've followed this blog at all, you know that i'm pretty sure God wants us to have a dog, and now even curtis might want us to, after the highly successful dogsitting we experienced this week. successful but for poor holidae, who didn't leave my room for 4 days, even to eat or drink. :( she's clearly not a dog person.

also, curtis is going to africa on monday! he's going with a group from our church to visit & serve the children's cup care point that ekklesia supports. i am jealous. AND he gets to go on a safari. i am SUPER jealous. stupid curtis. :)

my 7 minutes are up. (i must be a slow typist) excuse me, but i have to go brush my teeth...

the pool

tonight after dinner i took The Girls down the road to the pool for a bit. (God love curtis, he did the dishes and wrapped potatoes for me so i could be the "fun" parent for a change.) i was pretty tired, and it wasn't warm enough to lay out (i can see you shaking your head from here, jessica), but i'm so glad i did.

the pool brings out in The Girls a side of them that i rarely get to see anymore. they are attached at the hip, laughing and somersaulting each other over & under the water, calling to one another, seeking the other out, skipping from pool to diving board & back again in tandem. they clamber into my car grinning and sopping, finishing each other's sentences and regaling me tales of ruthless lifeguards & girls with bikini's too small.

and i love it. the tween/teen thing has plenty of bickering and teasing that leads to tears, posturing and pestering and down right bothering each other - sometimes i swear they do it just to make me crazy. but tonight, at the pool, my teenagers became little brown eyed girls again. maybe even mermaids.

exactly.

the working mom's lament

today is kyra's 8th grade graduation. i had made arrangements with my work to come in late so i could go and watch her graduate with all her various distinctions... but then one of my co-workers had to leave town for a funeral. totally out of her control, and very sad. the nature of my work, though, is such that there are minimum staffing requirements, and with her gone, i must be present. so this morning curtis and meg will be there to cheer her on, watch her receive her awards & national honors society sash, and i will be at work - missing it.

today i hate being a working mom.

bank tellers & pizza delivery guys

2 things of note happened today.

the first happened while i was hard at work being a banker. a regular customer pulled up to the drive through to cash a check, and as i sent the drawer out to her and said my hello's through the microphone, she smiled at me, twirling a stem of jasmine in her fingers. she gently dropped it in and said, "you have to smell this!" so i drew the drawer in and held the fragrant white blossoms up to my nose while she endorsed her check, and for a moment we traded places. i was outside in the hot carolina air, breathing in jasmine and grass, and she was ensconced in the business of money and signatures. i traded back her jasmine for the check and the spell was broken - but it lingered in my smile and in the lightness i felt at being passed the small gift of summer's fragrance.

the second occurred driving with the girls to shelly lake for an early evening stroll. we were passed by a pizza delivery car, and meg promptly said, "i do NOT want to be a pizza delivery driver!" a quick litany ran through my mind of all the reasons why (a) that was true, and (b) i was glad she recognized that fact. all of my illusions were shattered, though, when she finished her thought with, "because you would have to drive around all day smelling that glorious pizza and it would be torture!" oh, well. i guess if it keeps her out of the pizza delivery game it's good enough for me. :)

people

you know, i think that life is not necessarily "what you make of it". you can work really hard and build a rich, successful & powerful life and be terribly unhappy. you can make all the "right" choices and end up miserable. you can surgically alter yourself, make yourself "better"... but still be lonely. life isn't what you make of it. i think that maybe a life is made of the people who populate it.

i mean, take for instance my job. it's just a job, an 8 - 5 thing i get paid (not-so-great) to do... but i really love it. and you know why? the people. i have great co-workers - they make me laugh, they help me when i don't understand something or when i need a hand getting something done in a flurry of activity. considering that we spend all day within fingertip reach of each other, these are important things! i like going to work in part because of the three of them. (not to mention our customers, who run the gamut from lovely gift-bearing folks to run-of-the-mill to plain old odd.) :)

truly, my whole life isn't what i've made it. last night, our housewarming party revealed that loud and clear. our life is what it is because of the presence in it of all the crazy & wonderful people who were represented there ... and those who couldn't come. the richest, most fulfilling, most life-giving thing in my life i didn't make or cause to be. it's you guys. our friends. who give, laugh, listen, garden, support, love, feed, haul boxes and share your lives with us. we have the best people. not to mention my family, far-flung but wildly loved. that is what makes my life.

if i have made any of it myself, i can only claim to have excellent taste in friends. :)

misery loves company

i am not unreliable. i'm NOT. i used to be, but it's one of the things that i really worked hard to overcome. i learned - i thought - to make plans and stick to them. let my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no".

but dammit, i missed a really important appt this past weekend, and i missed it 2 months ago, too. so today i got an "i am very disappointed in you" email, & now i feel like i don't even know who i am. maybe i just totally suck. maybe i am flakey and flighty and lame. at least that is how i feel. :/ i want to quit my life and hide i a hole where i can't disappoint anyone.

welcome to my pity party.

in the past 5 months, i started working full-time for the first time in 10 years - with a 40 min commute one way. 3 weeks ago we moved into our new house - selling, buying, packing, uhauling & unpacking. now our kids have the 40 minute commute. we are trying to get the girls transferred to the schools we hope they can attend. curtis is going to africa in a month, and i don't even know the dates on which he leaves & returns. we are in the first year of our church plant. (that alone is enough insanity to make a grown woman cry.) our girls have had chorus, jr. national honors society, ib ambassador events, violin lessons, and the rest of the scheduling nightmare of tweens & teens. i am lucky to have one free night a week, and even luckier if it's the same free night curtis has. there are 4 or 5 couples we are trying so hard to find time for socially, friends we love and barely speak to, let alone get to spend time with. there is always a saturday event (or 3), and sundays are full from dawn til dusk - the last 3 weekends for me were children's ministry, worship team, children's ministry. (all of which is good, but... sabbath? what is that?) . i collapse into bed every sunday night swearing that "this week will be more relaxed"... but it never is. if nothing else i have laundry, dinner, housework, work-work, homework... and squeezing in time to blog when i should be doing the dished & doing pilates. (not to mention finding time to be sexy ... again i have to ask ... what is that?)

i know i'm not the only one with a crazy life - i know. but today, that email made me feel like shit. (again - sorry if my profanity offends you. tell it like it is or don't tell it at all. my new philosophy.) i didn't MEAN to miss it! i thought it was this saturday. i am not a terrible person. i am an overwhelmed person. where is the grace for that?

formal pics

my oldest friend, cynthia, commented that the 8th grade was not kind to us... and boy, was she right. i have the pictures to prove what an awkward girl i was! :) kyra does not seem to suffer the same malady.... she was absolutely breathtaking last night. and i laughed when i picked her up and asked, "did any boys asked you dance?" and she rolled her eyes at me and said, "i said no to all of them... the kind of dancing they wanted was NOT appropriate." that's my girl! :)

scramble!

my brain is a scramble. there are 3 or 4 posts i have all rolling around, and i've started a couple of them. but let's go with these abbreviated thoughts. :)

materialism. i thought i wasn't in it's clutches, but apparently i am. it's an insidious little mo'fo. (did i just offend you? i'm sorry - but you have to call a spade a spade.) the pergola for the deck leads to pulsating desire for new deck furniture. and new deck "decor". and patio lights. i am not buying any of it... i am going to fight off this hydra with every bone in my body. i refuse to let my life consist of my possessions. (luke 12:15)

kyra's formal. seriously - how wonderful is it to be 13 and lovely, with friends and a dress...shoes, hair & makeup...heading out to a big dance at a "fancy" hotel (all hotels are fancy when you're 13) for a long night of food and laughing and pretending to dance. obviously, some poor girl will end up in the bathroom crying, but that's part of the experience, too. hopefully it won't be kyra. if the pictures aren't too .... scary? grown up & alarming? ... i will post some for you. :)

new house. funny how i don't miss our old one. or even think about it. i think my heart had left that area a long, long time ago, and the house was really the last thing that kept us there. we are fully in our new life now, and it's achingly beautiful. our new little home, our people, our church, even my job ... it's like God dumped heaps and heaps of undeserved happiness all over us.

family. as in, extended. since moving, i have had a deep and sustained longing for my family. mom and dad, ben & kari, mark & tina, vince & emily... i miss them. we live so far from all of them that i am well accustomed to it, and i usually don't think twice about the distance. we are all in pretty good touch, and that's just the way it is. but lately, man. it's just not enough. i need them.

curtis told me last weekend that he's been with me (including dating) for half of my life. oh.my.gosh. for some reason that has really thrown me for a loop. maybe it's just that it makes me feel old? i can't shake it, though. weird.

thanks for letting me get that all out. :) ttyl

a real mother's day weekend

this was a weekend that truly encompassed all that it means (for me) to be a mom.

first, a looong overdue date with curtis friday night. then saturday i was up early, helping kyra empty out her room and get it ready to be painted. spend 4 hours painting - with a trip to lowes for more paint...ungh! - and in the midst of the painting washed and dried 2 giant loads of laundry (altho it is admittedly still unfolded). then i made a delicious supper of tortilla pie, fed everyone, cleaned the kitchen and got the girls settled for curtis to have a quiet night to write his sermon.

sunday dawned bright and early, dragging the girls (and myself) out of bed to get to church early for set up and worship team - my first sunday singing in ages. i hauled tables, put up giant curtains (wrong) and then did the service and went for cheap chinese for lunch with a bunch of folks. stopped at kroger on the way home with the girls (curtis drove separately) and while there for laundry soap & lunch snacks there was much attitude & stalking about the store with arms crossed from smaller people in my family than me. finally home around 2:30, and then off to lowes (again) with curtis for (hooray!) my mother's day present... a gorgeous pergola for the back deck. an hour or so assembling it, just in time to have friends over for chips & salsa and when they left (around 7) it was get the girls into bed (disasterous, but that's another story) and collapse into my own bed with curtis to catch up on our hulu queue... but one 43 min episode of 'house' is about all i can manage tonight.

tomorrow it's off to the races again (at the bank), with frozen lasagna for dinner tomorrow because i didn't have time to get anything more than stopgap groceries at kroger. someday i'll catch up on everything, and the laundry will be folded and the girls will be content and the pantry will be full of food... right?

not-so-little-people

i have been a mother now for 13.5 years (yikes!) ... and if i've learned anything in that time, i've learned that just when you think you've got your kids figured out, they change. and it's one of my favorite things about motherhood.

i love watching who The Girls are becoming unfolding right before my eyes. i love seeing their personhood develop, their minds expand & their intellect grow. i laughed today to open kyra's door and find her asleep in half in/half out of her closet on the floor because her bed was covered in the detritus of a 13 year old girl. i secretly love how meg is hanging on to her love of american girl dolls & imagining them alive. when kyra sits and read to meg it melts my heart, and when meg does kyra hair all up in braids so it will be curly the next morning i feel a great contentment come over me.

yep. i hate it when they bicker. true, meg can really push my buttons and kyra is passive aggressive. yes, motherhood is relentless and no one can make me crazy the way The Girls can. but they are also becoming interesting, beautiful, complex and wonderful young women, and that makes my heart fat & happy. :)

and so, i leave you with my favorite quote about motherhood. "every mother is like moses. she does not enter the promised land ... she prepares a world she will not see."

an open letter to my husband - (or why i think God wants us to get a dog)

dear curtis,

i am so happy with our new house, our beautiful family and with you. you are the best husband any wife could ask for - truly. i love your courage to follow your calling, and i love the community we are all building together. i know that it is sometimes hard for you, and i am proud of how you persevere. i love you. (for some reason that all sounds sort of sarcastic, but it is all really, genuinely true and sincere. you are the best. i love you.)

i've been thinking lately about how we want to get to know our neighbors, and how building relationships is so important to us...and i've been wondering how that will look for us here on this little street with all it's various people. and after much soul searching, i think God wants us to get a dog. it hit me while i was having my quiet time this morning.

people with dogs pass our home dozens of times a day. they smile and talk to each other while their dogs sniff and spin and sit. they get to know one another at dog parks and vet clinics. they even get more exercise. but most importantly, the first point. they get get to know one another. it's a great way to engage the neighborhood!

so i think that we should consider getting a dog....not because *i* want one, but because perhaps God is calling us to get one. of course, let's be honest, i won't be the one getting up to let it out in the wee hours, but that's why we have children. :)

1000 hours

according to the "powers that be", and vaguely scientific things like "surveys", it takes a thousand hours in a space before it feels like yours. this is probably why kitchens feel homey, and tv rooms win out over living rooms - and why being in this house, full of all my things, feels so weird.

not that i'm not happy with our choice of home - i definitely am! not that i wish we hadn't moved from durham - it was overdue. and not that my things look out of place or odd - they actually look quite lovely! but i'm not even close to a thousand hours in this house... and we haven't really made any memories here yet... and i'm on the adrenaline let down from the stress of moving... so it's ours, but it doesn't feel like ours. even holly & satchmo wander around looking out of place. poor kitties.

but every day logs another set of hours, early mornings and dinner hours, to put ourselves into our house, until our house becomes our home. 72(ish) hours down... 928(ish) more to go...

my backyard smells like honeysuckle

i used to write, and once i wrote this...and now my yard smells like the vine. bliss.

pull the wild honeysuckle from the vine
and put it in my hair

with your too large fingers
tuck the stem
behind my ear and
lean into me
and breathe

i will be the vine
and you can be the branch
the two shall be one
and we will be
wild honeysuckle

pulled from the vine
tucked behind the ear of a pretty girl
by the boy who loves her

animals are people, too!

well into my 4th load of laundry, 2nd dishwasher load and fresh out of nails for the pictures, i figured i'd sit down and regale you with our moving adventures!

the biggest moments both center around satchmo, kyra's beloved cat, who vanished during the move. grown men were nearly moved to tears watching my daughters persistent, gut-wrenching search...it was horrible. the worst was that we weren't coming back to the house that night - so even if he came home, we'd be gone. suddenly, one of the men helping us moved pulled up to the curb in his car (i hadn't noticed he'd left), hauls a huge black & white long hair cat out of his car and says, "PLEASE tell me this is your cat?" all of us were on the driveway, and kyra burst out laughing and said, "no!" he refused to believe her. "seriously? this is NOT your cat?" "no!" by now the whole driveway is laughing as he turned back to his car sighing, "i have to go put this cat back now." he drove off leaving the only smile i had seen all day on kyra's face - so to me, it was a mistake well worth it.

we sat on the porch long after the sunset - kyra, meg, sarah & i - while curtis (God love him) vacuumed up the house. despite many tearful calls and whistles, he never showed. kyra went to bed with a heavy heart, and so did i. there was some talk that he had gotten nervous and hidden in the dresser drawer, so she was holding out hope that he was locked in our u-haul. i didn't have the heart to tell her that she was betting on a long shot.

late the next afternoon, after closing both the sale & purchase of our homes, (with heavy hearts and no joy at all - kyra quietly crying the entire time), we finally pulled the uhaul up to the new house and flung open the back door. suddenly, screams of "I HEAR HIM! I HEAR HIM! MOM! MOMOMOMOM! SATCHMO IS IN THE TRUCK!" rent the air. immediately my heart leapt! i couldn't believe he was actually in the truck! kyra had not lost her best friend!

of course, he was in the last drawer we opened, wide eyed and numb - not even meowing by the end of it! and miraculously, he hadn't soiled the drawer in any way - bladder of steel, that cat!

now, 2 and a half days in, we are pretty much unpacked. pictures are on the walls, plates are in the cupboards, clothes are on the shelves... but most importantly our family is together. ALL of us. :)

cynthia, this one's for you.

you got a smile so bright! you know you could've been a candle

i'm holding you so tight...you know you could've been a handle

the way you swept me off my feet, you know you could've been a broom..

and babe you smell so sweet, you know you could've been some perfume...

you could have been anything that you wanted to, i can tell....

the way you do the things you do -

i like the way you do the things you do!

finally moving on

i feel like charles dickens.... "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." because it was, you know, a time when some of the best things and best people came into our lives. but it also had some of the worst things and hardest things we've ever endured. and next week it truly comes to a close when we walk away from the house and city that contained it all to continue our story in a new home and a not-so-new city.

this new life is crazy beautiful ... the kind of life you don't usually get to live. following an adventurous call alongside some of the most unbelievable people you could imagine. people with heart and spunk and laughter and love - people who are excited about who God might actually be, and what He might actually do.

this is not a fearful future...it is a wide open future waiting with open arms for us to fling ourselves into.... look out! here we come!

farewell, old friend...

I had an interesting conversation this morning, one that left me feeling rather maudlin. As we stood around talking about our impending move, a couple of my friends said things along the lines of, "I want to come say good-bye to your house", "I have so many good memories of your place" and "We've had so much fun there". As I reflected on that, it's true. This house has seen a lot of good times - parties, dinners, games, sporting events, deep conversations & raucus laughter, family chaos... all the stuff of genuine friendship and community. It really does have a lot of happy ghosts in it.

But...

The thing that made all those things great and beautiful and memorable was the people who shared them with us. YOU made those things ... not the house. Rob's shock at winning the Golden Head for 'most encouraging', Simpson & Steve being inappropriate with window writing markers, Vinny teaching The Girls about the civil war, Mark & Tina watching their daughters make me fat, hours of eucher, catan and some games i hate with Josh & Mamie, new year's eves, Christine winning best dressed at my 80's birthday, Sabrina's glorious cakes at said birthday party, wine tastings with Shanna & Andrew, JJ & Angela's first date, dozens of smaller groups, everyone meeting Mark, tearful conversations, ekklesia's first steps... none of them mean anything without you guys... the people who we love.

So here is what I would ask from you as we leave Morningside Drive. Come and fill our new home with happy ghosts. Come and sit, and play and drink and laugh. Continue to fill our lives with yourselves... your beautiful, complex, funny, sad and true selves. Our lives are empty without you... a house is just sticks and stones, but a home is where our lives intersect in a million little ways. The new place is just a hop, skip and a jump away, and it needs you even more than it needs furniture. Consider this my standing invitation to you to make our house our home.

Oh, and if you could come help us move, that'd be great, too :) I love you guys. Deeply & truly.

now that i'm a grown up...

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

selling the house

ok ya'll. we are selling our house. any takers? :)

conviction

where do you put your "weight" when you pray?

as i reflect on my own history of prayer, i so often throw myself before God with the heavy weight of my need in the forefront. i pour my heart out, trying to convince God, as it were, of the absolute necessity of my request - whether it's for myself or someone else. i list the reasons my prayer is worthy, the need true, and why God should be moved by the passion of my concern. and alongside that stands my belief that God hears me, that He is active & present in the world, that He is the powerful creator & sustainer of all things who loves us more than we know.

the weight of my prayer, though, the deepest conviction i carry into my times of prayer, is that of the need, not of the God who meets needs. i have come to see that when i pray, i am much more sure of my need than i am of my God, and while this may seem like splitting hairs, i am learning profoundly that it is not.

i have begun to attempt - when i bring the needs of my life, and of those i love, before God - to place the deepest passion and weight of my heart upon my God, our God, who is supremely powerful & knows everything i could ask before it crosses my lips. you would be surprised how much mental energy it takes to reorder my heart that way.

it's such a relief, though, when i am able to take the pain & hurt, the overwhelming circumstance of life, and see them become almost bouyant in the arms of God - He takes them so easily. and it doesn't just reorder my experience of prayer... rather, it is beginning to reorder my whole internal world. i am beginning to find a deeper and richer experience of God in the mundane & everyday-ness of life, as well.

theophan the recluse once said, "most people are like a shaving of wood which is curled round it's central emptiness." it's a melancholy thought when one considers everyday life, but a devastating one when considered in terms of our conversations with God. without the knowlege of a God we are sure of in the center of every thought & prayer cast upon him, what are our prayers but wood shavings, curled around nothing?

i cannot encourage you enough to consider this honestly. where do you put your conviction when you pray? it is in your request, or in your God?