further evidence of warmth!

december 29

as noted, it is dec. 29th. even the date sounds chilly, doesn't it?

be that as it may, i am on my front porch, in my jammies (not even the warm, wooly sack!), with my bare toes sparkling their christmas pedicure (alternating red & green - so fun) into the humid air. it's overcast, and will probably rain again, but it is so glorious out you'd think it was spring! it's a gift today, this balmy weather, and i intend upon soaking it up...even if it means i have to walk in the rain.

what'cha up to for new years eve? we are invited to 4 things, but i think we'll keep it simple... go to the pj party and chill with friends. but thanks to everyone else for asking! :) it's nice to be invited!

if you live here, go outside! if you live in the cold, well, sorry 'bout that.

love actually

i just stayed up past my bedtime to watch 'love acutally' - for maybe the 5th time. i love this movie... love the breadth of it. yes, it's romantic, but it's about the real stuff of love, too, and not just between lovers. sisters & brothers, parents & children, the hard places husbands & wives find themselves, the choices we make, and the people we make them for. it's got enough silliness to make me laugh, and in the end i'm smiling from ear to ear with warm fuzzies all over in my heart.

the truth is, real love - the powerful kind - is a choice as much as anything else...not just the goose bumps & big moments. that's one of the bravest statements the movie makes, particularily in the story of the sister whose brother is institutionalized & the wife who finds the necklace her husband gives another woman.

"If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not celebrate injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. "

most satisfying present

if you know me, you know i'm a chilly girl. always cold fingers, always looking for a blanket or filling the tub with hot, hot water. so look what my lovely husband bought me for christmas! it looks like this..

and is shaped like this...

as he says "it takes leopard print nighty to a whole new level." :)

meg amazed me...

she just brought down the Christmas card she wrote for her dad, and this is what it says. (she crosses her heart & promises that it came out of her own head...)

(outside) "life just never turns out the way i want it to every day!"

(inside) "but on Christmas, the love, the joy and the family fills my heart with Joy all because of the hugs you give me!"

and someday they will be running things...

(the car passes BB&T - a local bank)

meg: what does BB&T stand for?

kyra: (without pause) "best barbeque & tootsie rolls"

meg: (long pause) you know, you've got a 95% chance of being right.

me: (smiling) how do you figure that, meg?

meg: (without pause) because what else could it be?!

i'm with dorothy....

there's NO place like home!

wednesday

a very successful, happy day. and then i had chinese take out for lunch, and the fortune in my cookie said, "wednesday is your lucky day"! i don't put much...well, any...stock in those things, but it made me smile none the less, and it's only 2 sleeps til i get to go home!! hooray!

it's been a good, good week. but i miss my family and friends...

This is from an interview with Anne Lemont in Relevant Magazine Online... it's so human, and so real...

"What does it mean to be a believer?

I have a very pathetic and innocent relationship with Jesus. [The things] I’m sure about are the things the kids in church sing: that I’m loved and never alone. I am a complicated and worried person. To know that I can just say “hi” and “I am so lost,” and He says, “Hi, hon. No, you’re not. Let’s breathe. Get a glass of water. Do you want to call a friend?” Simple works for me. I love to read profound, theological, brilliant, stunning stuff that throws the lights on for me, and then I write about it so I can disseminate it. But I don’t have brilliant, theological thoughts. The difference my church makes is that I still get lost, but I find my way back sooner."

i have to say, while "pathetic" wouldn't be descriptive for my journey, "innocent" totally would. i am sure about all the things the children sing... and my life is richer and better for it. :) never underestimate the value of a childlike heart - but remember c.s. lewis - the heart of a child, but all the rigorous intellect of an adult. (sorry to paraphrase his wise words... i can't find the quote online, and i'm without my library temporarily)

i seem to have ...

... turned a corner. hooray!

my bouyancey has returned, and i, for one, am relieved. i have moved back into excited and anticipatory. i feel more like me.

i know you had something to do with that - thank you.

love rae

i've been meaning to quote this for a while now ...

"Jesus said that our foremost sign of discipleship would be our love for one another. 'A new command I give you: Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another' (John 13:34-35). His teaching is unequivocal here. We would be known as his followers not because we are chaste, celibate, honest, sober or respectable; not because we are church-going, Bible-toting, or Psalm-singing. Rather we would be recognized as disciples primarily by our deep and delicate respect for one another, our cordial love impregnanted with reverence for the sacred dimention of the human personality." - Brennan Manning (emphasis mine)

Am I known "by my love"? Are we, "Christians", known this way? Oh, I know we follow the letter of the law - we're really good at keeping score of what we do & don't do, but doesn't that sort of leave you feeling like we're missing something very, very important? It leaves me that way. Maybe there's something more important than keeping score... maybe Jesus wasn't kidding when he said those things. You know, in all his teaching, he doesn't actually "command" anything but this... that we love one another.

How are we doing? I think it just may be a life or death question...

day 1

it's cold here! i just walked the dog, Evie, and my ears are still tingling from the chill! you can see your breath and everything!

today is a 'recovery day'. there will be napping, and i'm not even dressed yet. (yes, i walked the dog in my pj's - you got a problem with that?) it's exactly what the doctor ordered...lovely.

in other news, a couple in england were banned from taking pictures of their own 11 month old daughter on the swings in a public park, where a uniformed officer told them it was illegal to take pictures of children in the park. obviously a reactionary law to the crimes perpetrated against children, but still - ridiculous. what is our world coming to?

1:30am

is not a great time to play boggle online. or post a blog. but i am doing both, anyway! i am tucked into my bed at mark & tina's... snug as a bug in a rug. just keepin' you in the loop. more when i'm more coherent.

xo

leavin' on a jet plane...

you have no idea how reassuring it is that all my peeps 'have my back'. you guys make my life possible.

love rae

this is feminism??

what is the world coming to?

this article reports that a WAG (a british term for the 'wives & girlfriends' of soccer stars) is writing a book of fashion & style tips geared toward 10-12 year old girls.

this article makes the excellent point that feminism (which, let me be clear, i have some issues with anyway) has been twisted to the point where "the new female imperative is that it is only through promiscuity and sexual aggression that girls can achieve admiration and recognition." and i think it's right.

would the world come to an end if a 10 year old wore mismatched clothes? would it collapse if she played outside in the dirt instead of worrying that her shoes don't match her backpack? does an 8th grader have to "put out" to be worthwhile? isn't smart sexy? don't intelligence & character play a role in here somewhere? why is it that "inner beauty" has become a tongue in cheek insult?

the pendulum has swung far enough in this direction. i don't know how to push it back, but for the sake of my daughters you'd better believe i'm going to try.

december 10

there is a pile of flip flops at my back door. all the windows in the house are wide open. we just went out for lunch and ate on the patio in the sunshine. i had to change into a tank top to rake the leaves. which i did in my bare feet. the forecast high today is 78F...

merry christmas, north carolina!

makin' my heart happy

i was just driving home from blockbuster with our 'date night' movie, when i noticed a happy trend... multi-colored christmas lights! almost all the houses on our street with lights out have long strings of brightly colored lights out, making the neighborhood look so festive! i whole heartedly support the fun light trend - yes, the white is peaceful & timeless, but sometimes, as my friend heather says, you just have to put the "k" back in klassy!

heads or tails?

oh. my. gosh.

i was just opening the blinds for the morning, when out of the corner of my eye i noticed window writing leftover from my party that i had missed! i'm not sure if that's the sign of a great party or poor housekeeping! :)

happy saturday!

some things never change!

man - when i was a girl, i had a poster of don johnson on my wall. i loved miami vice! i thought it was the coolest, most provocative show i'd ever seen. so i am sitting here, waiting for curtis to come home, and what do i see on the 'guide' but... miami vice! hooray! until i turn to it, and realize sonny crockett is wearing a pale blue tapered denim jacket, with the cuffs rolled up & the pockets ripped off. with his feathered hair and high waisted jeans... mmmm! HA! oh wow! new scene - the neck of his tshirt is even ripped! this is sweet! jeepers - maybe i still love miami vice!

painful!

good morning, everyone.

as a public service announcement, i feel the need to say, "Don't go see 'A Christmas Carol' at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium." i went with kyra's 5th grade class last night - and it was a waste of my evening. the classic story, which has endured the test of time for a reason, was rewritten into snarky one-liners based largely on television commercials & current news items. for instance - nephew fred says to uncle scrooge, "getting christmas spirit is so easy, a caveman can do it!" and a caveman ala geico walks across the stage shaking his head. or when scrooge crawls into bed, he find his teddy bear, "mohammed". there were also big musical numbers (which i am not opposed to on principle, mind you), that at one point had scrooge in a las vegas elvis white jumpsuit. and let's not even mention that the ghost of christmas future was "marilyn manson" - leaping from his coffin in full manson get up. and to top it all off, it ran almost 3 hours.

kyra had fun...and i loved being with her. she looked so grown up ("dress to impress") and beautiful. but i'd rather have taken her for dinner & had some quality time.

at least the tickets were free...

painting the sky

this is the sky last night.... painted a reckless pink that colored even the light in my livingroom, changing all the colors to something warmer & rarer. I know, in my head, that the light refracts through the atmosphere and all that... but in my heart, I think God must take such joy in creating that sort of sky - he who created the atmosphere surely knew what it would do when the dying light of day hit it just right - demonstrating the merest drop of his great beauty. i, for one, was taken in by it...

imetmark

there are not enough words to tell the story of my brother-filled weekend. suffice it to say that there were birthday gifts .... (i love this thing!! does anyone know if it has an official name??)


... there was a party... a very, very loud party ...

....and there were prizes...

there were also flight delays & cancellations, approx. 7 hours of sleep in 2 nights, and much laugher, mockery & general goodwill toward man.

now if you will excuse me, i need to take a nap.

the boys

so -my brothers arrived last night, and due to a late plane for one of them & and early departure for the other they both got here within 40 minutes of each other... after midnight. needless to say, i went to bed before they did...the sound of the two of them giggling like little girls music to my ears (tho i was sad they were having fun without me!!! but i was so tired i almost threw up, so... ) now it's saturday morning, and they are still abed. :) so now we're off to the girls piano recital without them, and hopefully they'll be full of beauty sleep and our day will "begin"!

this is a beautiful thing, this sort of celebration. Even if it makes me tired....

OH. MY. GOSH.

you have to LOOK

a happy friday!!

my big brother is coming to visit me today! hooray! he gets in late - at 11pm - so i am going to have all evening to walk around my house picking up invisible lint & nervously straightening pictures! i am terribly impatient at the best of times....

i want to give out a big shoutout to annie (the friend formerly known as "joey") who spent her morning with me yesterday doing the kind of cleaning i usually avoid... thanks so much! even the corner behind the dining room door is dust-bunny free! i couldn't (wouldn't?) have done it without her! :)

i will see some of you guys tomorrow night .... you know who you are .... come ready to par-tay! nd here, for your amusement, are some examples of "lost in translation"! happy friday!

i swear i am not making this up

these are actual advertisements from 'back in the day' ... look at what we've had to overcome, girls!

odds & sods

much to my great amusement, according to my most recent 'allure' magazine, a couple of "scientists" have noted that shopping may, in fact, increase your lifespan. i haven't read the article yet, but i'm highly anticipating it! :)

i am feeling older today. 32 is an old, old age! it's a responsible, grown up, mature age. eek! i am totally not ready for this. grey hair & eye cream, "...kids these days..." and "...when i was your age..." *sigh* at some point, am i going to have to surrender my sparkly eye shadow & my hoodies? sneakers & cutoff jeans? will i wake up one day and think to myself, "mmmm - prunes sound so good to me right now!" OH NO!

and finally, here is something i really want for christmas that i will never get. :)

go get it, people!

i gifted myself with the reliant k christmas album - let it snow, baby/let it reindeer - and it is one of the most fun, creative and enjoyable christmas albums i've heard in a long time! acutally enjoyable musically, not just for sentimental mushiness. it makes me want to buy one of their "regular" discs...

the most wonderful day of the year

happy birthday to me!

birthday eve

well, it is my birthday eve.

most of the celebrations have passed - my new cell phone, "thanksmas" @ mom's, a gift from my in-laws - but i am content. i made myself a chocolate cake to have for breakfast with my coffee, will have lunch with a friend tomorrow, and this weekend we're having a big party (for someone else, but a party full of people i love, so that's alright with me).

i am 32 years old. i have a rich life - full of family & friends, a home i love in a place i love, freedom & opportunity, God who loves me - gift upon gift upon gift upon gift. things go wrong, and life goes sideways, but the deep truth is, "the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places". it's more than i deserve...and i'm grateful.

thanks, God.

the voices inside my head

it's a little nerve wracking trying to see your life through someone else's eyes...especially someone who "counts", whose opinion will matter to you in the long run. imagine, for instance, the first time you have your mother-in-law over for dinner to your apartment. the insecurities are endless! is it well dusted? vacuumed? the place is so small! are you wearing too much eyeliner? is your outfit ok? what if she doesn't like that you painted your nails? what if she thinks your food is bland and overcooked? what if you spill something? when it's just you in your head, your little place is cute and well loved, and you look great in those jeans...but when someone else is in your head it can be a whole different story!

my life is going to be seen through someone else's eyes this week, someone who "counts"... and i am nervous! more nervous than i thought i'd be! i hung a new mirror, decluttered my countertops (tried, anyways), put out a few christmas decorations, and have extensive guestroom cleaning plans. but will it be enough? suddenly all these new questions pop up! what does my home say about me? what if The Girls rooms are a mess? (which inevitably they will be) what if ... what if ... what if ... jeepers!

i suppose "que sera sera"... but it's hard!

all good things must come to an end

and so today, we head home from thanksmas...(hopefully we will arrive there. our truck seems perilously close to death. but that's not the point of this post.) as i begin to gather & pack up our stuff for the drive, i notice that we are leaving with considerably more than we arrived with, and it strikes me that this is not unusual when we leave mom & dad's place. here, for your amusement, is The List:

• mom's kitchen aid blender - curtis enjoyed making a banana milkshake with it, saying it kicks our target brand blender's ass. it does. and now it is his.
• my birthday shoes
• a new dress (and accompanying shrug, belt & necklace. in my defense, i did pay for the dress, belt & shrug myself.)
• a new denim skirt
• 5 bottles of beaujolais nouveau for a big party i'm having next weekend
• adorably tacky elvis salt & pepper shakes
• candles
• new rude t-shirt for curtis
• 2 small christmas trees, set up & decorated, one for each of The Girls rooms
• a fun & silly christmas purse
• 2 sets of new flannel sheets, one for each of The Girls beds
• coloring books, reading books & small toys for The Girls
• high school musical pj's - one for each of The Girls
• for christmas, my mom paid to upgrade my cellphone plan for a year - so i have an envelope full of 12 checks for the appropriate amount

hmmm. i don't think i missed anything...if i did, i'll let you know. but i think i've made my point, regardless! :)

then there are the things i won't need to pack:

• sleeping in every morning
• naps
• happiness
• hours of feisty game playing
• food i didn't have to cook
• laughing
• the warm fuzzy feeling of being home
• a slower pace
• happy, if spoiled, girls
• comfort & encouragment
• secret sharing
• peace

things i am thankful for

in the grand thanksgiving tradition....

1. My husband, Curtis. He is my fortress in a storm.
2. The Girls. There are just not enough words for what they mean to me.
3. Mark. My big brother. Enough said.
4. Jordan. The most open hearted, non-judgemental person in my life. I truly believe that I could murder someone in cold blood and he would just ask me how he could help dispose of the body.
5. My friends - you know who you are - who support me unflinchingly, laugh with me (& at me!), encourage me, walk/lunch/coffee with me, and without whom my life would be a lonely wasteland.
6. My body. Sure, it's not flawless, but it's healthy & strong.
7. The internet. This thing (that I don't really understand) has put me in touch with old friends, keeps me in touch with new ones, and makes talking to my peeps easy peasy!
8. My birthday phone. It's just too fun!

What are you thankful for?

uh oh

huh. so you know how if you go go go go for a long time, always running from thing to thing, person to person, it's hard to stop? it's hard to know how to relate in a normal, unhurried way? hard to just relax and laugh and let life in? well, turns out laying on the couch eating soup is harder than i thought.

on the plus side, my mom bought me great birthday boots!

sometimes a kid just needs her mom

have you ever gotten tired of carrying your life? you know the feeling ... there's just so much going on and it feels like you just want to lie down on the couch and have someone bring you soup? well, that's how i've felt for the last couple of weeks, and now, ahhhhh..... we drove all day yesterday, arriving in kentucky at my parents house for thanksgiving - for a whole week. i had warned mom that i needed some TLC, and i'm pretty sure she's up for it. so if you'll excuse me, i'm just going to lay here on the couch and have some soup....

THIS is where the husband brownie points come in....

oh, my dear husband. not only did he pay attention to my festive wishes, he acted upon them! and in time, not for christmas, but for my birthday!

i am the deliriously happy owner one cherry chocolate phone! it does so many things that i don't even know how to do them all! i received my first ever text message last night - and replied! without even reading the book! i set my voicemail to say, "you've reached rachel's phone of birthday joy! please leave a message & i'll call you back!" it has voice recognition so i can just say, 'call curtis' and off it goes! i can listen to music on it.... without headphones! and it takes pictures, and has all sorts of internet capabilities... and it's so, so, so pretty! it makes my heart happy.

there are all sorts of husband brownie points & cosmic gold stars being awarded. this birthmonth is getting better and better...and it's not even over yet! hooray!

thursday

the new alicia keys cd is out - as i am - and i hope i get it for my birthday! if i don't, i'll give it to myself! yay!

we woke up to a beautiful dark & rainy day...very soothing, actually. peaceful. there's something about a rainy day that takes the pressure off somehow...like the world expects a bit of a slower pace and a gentler disposition from us when it's gray, because it understands that we'd rather be home with a mug of something warm and a good book.

diggin' davy crowder

i will be the first to admit, me and dave crowder were not love at first listen. some of his band's CD's have too much odd & experimental stuff between the music - it can be like listening to a CD with commercials. but, oh, the music.... it kept me coming back. but his new cd, remedy, is pure music, nothing weird, and i love it. then for my birthday i got tickets to go his "remedy" tour - the show was last night. ahhhh, davy crowder. your music makes my heart fat & happy. it makes me sing and jump and raise my hands high over my head ... it reminds me who i am meant to be. today i am hoarse & my butt hurts from hopping - clearly it was a great night!

"...all the love in the world

is right here among us

and hatred too

so we must choose

what these hands will do..."

the season for giving....in

it's happened. i never thought it would, but here i sit, christmas wishing over a cellphone. i am probably the only grown up in the whole world without a cellphone, and i'm starting to feel left out! and i hate feeling left out! so i was cruising the world wide web tonight, and i think i like the cherry chocolate - i mean, come on! what a great name for a phone! plus, my friend nicki has one, and she loves it! i want to take tiny, useless but spontaneous pictures with it! and not wonder if someone is late or forgot me! and travel with peace of mind, not to mention travel while feeling connected.

so i emailed the link to my husband - i wonder if he'll get the festive hint?

and to top it all off..

a ONE MILLION USD grant from the italians for my own personal research! wow - what shall i research for my own personal growth? it's a whole new wordl!

the brits, they love me!

i must literally be the luckiest girl alive!! today alone, according to the very reputable emails i have received, i have won a total of 6,483,556 british pounds (that is 13,671,874 USD) and a honda CRV & toyota prius! this is particularly astonishing due to the fact that i did not actully enter any of the lotteries i won, nor do know "lady rita mosely" who has left me her entire estate! wow! and all just in time for christmas....

important countdowns....

i keep a chalkboard on my kitchen wall, and it gets used for various amusements...these days we are counting down so many exciting things! christmas, my birthday, thanksgiving at gramma's house... and even some things that there was no room for in the inn, if you will.

4 sleeps til the david crowder "remedy" concert, which i got tickets to months ago as a birthday gift....

21 sleeps til my brother, Mark, comes to visit & we have a "part, eh" in his honor....

33 sleeps til my big trip to portland....

so much going on! so much to look forward to! and let me remind you.... only 47 sleeps til christmas!! have you started your shopping yet?!??!

the wonderful world of science!

"First, researchers grew enough fungus to give dandruff to 10 million people. Next, they sequenced its genes. Then they found out that not only does an icky fungus live on your head and cause dandruff-- but it could be having sex. On your head. Right now."

no, this paragraph is not from some crazy blogger ... it is from Reuters, acutal news people, reporting actual news.

if you ask me, reporting is looking up!

"onslaught"

watch this - as a woman & a mom of girls, it's an eye opener. it reminds me of an article i read recently by a woman who wondered when we turned being a woman into a disease - pointing to many of the medical "advances" designed to supress or drastically change many of the natural rhythms of a woman's body & life. just food for thought.

speaking of my girls, upon learning that each taste bud can basically taste one of 5 things - salty, sweet, savory, sour & bitter - Meg said, "What if water does have a taste, but we just don't have the taste bud for it?" now THAT'S thinking outside the box!

bits & pieces

i had a very successful night last night doing something that i really didn't feel i had the energy to do - a sure sign that worthwhile things aren't always easy.

there is so much going on right now, but very little to blog about - how wierd is that? if i think of anything interesting, i'll let you know! :)

thought for the day:

"the answer to how is usually why."

meg says the darndest things

"when i grow up, i am going to be the first woman president." thoughtful pause. "i am going to do a lot of bowling."

The Girls & i spent an hour this afternoon doing one of our favorite things - shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child! nothing beats overstuffing boxes full of toys, toothbrushes, socks & candy knowing that it will be given to a child somewhere in the world who would go without this christmas...except for maybe seeing understanding dawn in the eyes of my girls as they realize that they are so, so rich - and that giving is really a delight. there are so many bigger issues than christmas presents in the developing world, i know - clean water, access to healthcare & education, safety - and i give my resources to those, too. but as a mom, this is one way i can begin educating my girls about the broader world, helping them learn that we are responsible for one another as human beings. and i know how a kid lights up when they get a gift that's just for them...i think the feeling that someone, somewhere, just might care could be life changing. i think our shoeboxes carry more than stickers. i think they carry hope & love. this week is collection week! if you've not done it, fill a shoebox and drop it off at a collection site!

gifts

at first glance, the gift looks like a bottle of organic syrah wine.

upon closer inspection, it's acutally the friend who noticed, cared & acted on it.

thanks.

as promised

and look at this gorgeous laptop...

and now for something completely different...

happy halloween! :)

i will post pictures tomorrow of my "black cats", and you have until noon wednesday to post suggestions of what on earth i can dress up as, using only items found in my own home - including but not limited to a red feathered mardi gras mask, my wedding dress & children's dress up clothes. good luck - to us all!

regarding my dander...

like tony campolo says, "it's a short way from 'God's way is my way' to 'my way is God's way'. we would do well to guard that small distance with every ounce of passion we have.

you'd better believe my dander is up!

“We are the religious right,” he liked to say. “One, we are religious. Two, we are right.”

this is a quote from a man who is a pastor in kansas, and was in an article on msn about the evangelical church & politics. i couldn't even read it all, i got so mad! not at the article, which was, from what i read, mostly accurate & trying to be balanced. i was furious at the people who give that 'face' to the church - the "i-am-right-and-you-are-going-to-hell-ha-ha-ha" people, pastors no less! show me where in the Bible Jesus goes around advancing a political agenda, or damning people to hell. go ahead. show me. seems to me the only people he had a problem with were the ones who went around saying "we are are religious and we are right". the worst part of this sort of publicity, aside from how sad it must make God, who's main concern is redemption and love, is that as someone who loves Jesus & goes to church, i get lumped in with that man and his twisted theology & politics. the world assumes that i am on his bandwagon, because i am a God-follower. well, i don't usually make faith declarations in this forum, but i am about to! I AM NOT ON HIS BANDWAGON. i want no part of it. there is no spirit of Jesus in that. there is no mercy, no love, no grace. no room for redemption or honest questions or even humanity.

i know that many, if not most, pastors & God-followers are loving, sincere people, who readily acknowlege their own failings and recognize that they stand, when they are able to stand at all, in the forgiveness & grace of God. they are just people trying to follow Jesus, and love the people around them. i guess it's just that they don't make good press.

we're not in kansas...er...canada anymore

it's 64 F and cloudy today according to the internet weather... that's about 17 C, for you canucks back home.... albeit a fallish 64, if you know what i mean. but this is how i can tell we have become "southerners". The Girls are outside playing. in toques, mitts & scarves. and i turned on my furnace.

reason #178

the first thing i fell in love with were his hands - they are big and smooth and strong, with broad fingers and nice cuticles. they are just beautiful. i used to watch over his shoulder while he played the piano, and it was hypnotizing. (so i have a hand fetish - sue me!)

recently i added a new reason to love those hands, and the man behind them. kyra is trying to learn how to crochet, and the "directions" are not very clear. we've all taken a shot at interpreting them, to no avail. but to see curtis, head bent in concentration, with his big, strong fingers trying to help her unravel the mysteries of crochet - that was another beautiful and hypnotizing thing.





curtis is a great dad. The Girls and i are so lucky to have him.

for the record

being a grown up sucks.

why aren't we barefoot?

the rain, people. i love the rain. beyond how badly we need it, i love it. when i was a girl i used to run barefoot in it, race sticks down gutters, and gleefully soak myself to the skin at every opportunity. i have memories of playing under the glow of streetlights in the rain, with the blessing of my mom, who wisely allowed joyful play of almost any kind. when you are a kid, the rain is a friend, not a threat. it changed the world into something more sensual - it smells different, feels different - dirt becomes mud and gutters become rivers, and it sounds different. there's no worry about your hair, your shirt, your makeup, your book, your laptop, your suit... every small face lifts itself to the rain, without needing to be reminded.

don't you wish you could go back to that?

a conversation

me: oh, man... i'm so tired. God, are you there?

God: hello! i've been...

me: cause i am swamped and overwhelmed, you know? life is hectic and i just feel like i'm barely keeping my head above the water...

God: well I ...

me: and i thought you were gonna be here for me, you know? that you'd give me strength, or whatever, and help me figure all this out?

God: I've been...

me: and i've been waiting, well, not really waiting i guess, cause i've been so busy, and i'm reading this great book right now, and the girls, and the air conditioning unit...

God: why don't you...

me: and i could really use a little help down here, ok? so i gotta run - i'm gonna watch the stuff i dvr'd last night and finish my library book. hmmm. and i need milk, and coffee. i wonder if milk's on sale at target this week? i saw a cute shirt there i'd like to try on.

God: i miss...

me: so if you could just take care of that for me, i'd appreciate it. i'll check in with you later.

God: oh. ok. well, rachel, i miss you. i'll be here when you come back.

gimme a break

we needed research to prove this?

**mom warning**

i rarely do this publicly, but can i just say, i am so proud of my daughters?

this has been parent/teacher week, and my girls are exceptionally intelligent, kind, responsible, well liked, excited to learn, passionate about equality and friendship... their teachers go on and on with a sort of wide eyed wonder. it's what every mom wants to hear...and i am so proud of my girls. especially because they aren't just smart, but they have beautiful, beautiful hearts. what more could i possibly ask for?

public service announcement

beware the drunken elephants!

if you, like me, have been keeping your rice beer in rubbermaid on the back deck, you may want to rethink your storage options! the trunks on those asian elephants are very dexterous, and we all know how those crazy kids can't hold their liquor!

for future reference....

yesterday at church i was standing with a group of friends when The Girls walked up, and shanna put her arms around them saying to krya, "you are made of sweetness & light", and to meg, "you are made of spice & love". which prompted me to ask, (foolishly), "what does that mean i'm made of?" her husband had just finished saying that we couldn't discuss that in mixed company when simpson, a lovely man who doesn't give 2 figs about fashion, said, "really cute shoes and a tasty blazer." the whole group burst out laughing, and i had to concede that they were probably right! the truth of that was hammered home at the end of the service, when i was presented with a 'best mom in the universe' certificate, handmade by meg. in fine print along the bottom it said, "the cutest shoes and the most loving". that's an epitaph worth being proud of. when i have died of old, old, old age, feel free to put it on my tombstone.

to know what the night knows

I need the fading light to sink beneath my skin
The crickets to crawl into my heart & sing their song.

The light of day has burnt my skin
Left me exposed & dry around the edges –
I need the evening air to inflate my lungs & breathe for me
To cool the raging furnaces of do & don’t,
Quiet the voices and still.

How can a twig be held suspended by a silken thread?
Is the tail of that squirrel twitching its Morse code for me?

Green and gold and brown is the light that seeps through the trees -
Then its momentary magic is gone
And all that is left is something by which I can see.

I need to know what the night knows.
How it holds the dark so lightly in it’s palm
Without fear or pain
Without even dark.

saturday at my house

Slender and agile
The long fingers (with chipped purple polish only on the thumbs)
Carefully lay the blade alongside my own thumb (free of polish of any kind).

Satisfied
She pushes my hands together
With instructions to blow hard into the small crevasse.

Imagine my shock when, after being defeated by grass my whole life,
The jarring scream of an eagle
(Or blasting honk of a crow?)
Pierces our front porch!

Again and again
I blow hard into the small crevasse
While my daughter dances with bright eyes around my chair exclaiming
“‘I told you, you could do it!”

Three brown eyed girls
Transform
Hooting and chirping merrily in the sunshine
Luring neighborhood birds into response
Smiling at each other widely
From beneath our thumbs

Which look like they are up our noses.

tgif

i think this is a weekend when we all ought to enjoy a glass of wine - or beer or pina coloda, whatever you prefer - in celebration that this long, hard week is finally, mercifully, over.

so tragic i can hardly type it.

i was driving with sarah down my street, and we had to swerve to miss a squirell that was laying on the road...and just as we passed it (with a wide margin) we saw it drag itself out of harm's way with only it's front paws, it's lower half dragging uselessly behind it! awww, man! it wasn't bloody or in any other way obviously injured, but it was the saddest thing i've seen in a long time in nature. poor baby...

disclaimer

so i have some things going on in my life, some external & some internal, which are more overwhelming than i expected. i thought it would be like a stroll, or at worst a hike, through the park, but have found it to be a lot more like navigating the fireswamp without the dread pirate roberts to pull me from the snow sand. i feel constantly ambushed - not even by big things, necessarily. even dinner can undo me. i teeter on the brink of overwhelmed at every moment, never sure what i can do to help myself, or how to let others (read "curtis") help me. add to that the guilt i feel for not being the wife/mother/friend/"insert role here" that i ought to/could be, man... it's harsh over here.

so if you pass me on the street or in kroger or at church and i just don't seem myself, please don't think it's you. it's really not you. it's me. i promise.

fall in the south

it happened all of a sudden, as it usually does, i guess. one day you wake up and open the blinds, and all the trees are firey red and brilliant yellow...beautiful in the clear, early morning light. the hardwood holds on a little more, so there is still some pretty vibrant green back in the woods here and there, but there is no question that i finally woke up to fall.

we were at the state fair yesterday - an experience my canadian friends and i didn't have growing up. it's definitely not my cup of tea, but The Girls had a great time - rides, friends (we went with the staff), food...they each even won a prize throwing darts at balloons. we also got to see pig races - how funny! - where they alternated pig, goat, pig, ducks and finally pigs again. you've never lived til you've seen a duck race.... and again, me without my camera! dang!

and you'll get no complaints from me about the weather....

rock star poets

good morning, friends! how are you this morning? good, i hope...

i was recently turned on to a new poet - naomi shahib nye - and although i've not read much of her yet (i have 2 books upstairs to linger over), i have a new quote for you all.

"i want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,
or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,
but because it never forgot what it could do."

saturday from heaven

meg is, even as i type this, is mopping the kitchen (voluntarily!) while telling me her life plan. she is torn. she wants to be a "movie maker" (not sure what she means by this - probably an actress?) or a janitor, because janitors get to mop things. reflecting now, she tips her head and says, "but if i was a movie maker i could just come home and mop..."

a good question!

what would you do if there was an asteroid going to hit earth in 60 minutes? interestingly, 2% of people said they'd start looting. LOOTING. the world is ending, and all they can think of it stealing?

leave me your answer in the comments. what would you do?

words to live by

this is why everyone should go to the zoo, at every opportunity. you never know what you're going to see! :)

maybe i just need a nap

i want a gentler, more even keeled me. not sure if it's possible...i think i am wanting something that i am fundamentally not. personality isn't just something we made up - we are all different. and sometimes i wish i were something i'm just not. but then again, i like to think i add a little spunk, a little color & pizzazz to life. if i didn't, who would? so i guess rather than wish myself into someone different, i really ought to be who i am full tilt. why is it that it seems to be harder than it ought to be, just to be yourself?

ranting and raving

so meg wants to be a girl scout. great! the registration fee is only $10! great! plus $4/mo dues. no problem. plus $14.50 vest, $15 pants, $24.50 skort (for "formal" occasions), $14.95 (plus shipping, because i cannot find it in an acutal store to save my life) for the formal occasion blouse, $12 for the casual brownie t-shirt, and $16.30 for patches & pins. for a grand total of $107.25, not counting dues or shipping. but hey, at least meg has black shoes already. it's not even the money - it's truth in advertising. i'd much rather they ask for $125 upfront, and then just give us the uniform & et al. not only would it be clearer the commitment you are making, but it would immensely simplify the process - for everyone. i think of the lower income parents who want to provide opportunities for their daughters, and suddenly $10 swells into $100... it's just not fair, you know?

in addition to which, i was assaulted with CHRISTMAS for sale at penny's already. correct me if i'm wrong, but we have not yet finished the halloween debacle, nor thanksgiving... no wonder we are all sick of christmas by december 25th. and that is just plain sad.

too tired to make sense

dude. i'm sooooooo tired. i know you are, too. what is up with that? too tired to think, too tired to blog. so here's a thought for you from a book i read a couple months ago.

"it seems that God wants to grow us up, to use us, wants us to be strong and wise and courageous. he doesn't appear to be terribly interested in making sure we're comfortable. he would not make a good flight attendant." -j.ortberg

funny how God's not as much like Christina Aguilara as we might think.

also, The Girls. meg just asked if she could be a "modeler" when she grows up. kyra wants to be an environmental scientist. how do two such different peas come from the same pod?

also, heard a new word (albeit from a british paper) "he-vage" : as in, man cleavage. for example, "how much he-vage should a man show?" i wonder how i can use that in conversation? i think it will take some work...but i'm not one to shy away from that...

dang. did i mention i'm so tired i'm loopy?

WAY better than my new shoes!!

do you ever get frustrated by the fine print associated with good causes? the sign says, "proceeds go to ...." but the fine print at the bottom of the poster says, ".1% of sales..." or some other ridiculously small donation. it makes me crazy.

but this i love!

tom shoes - a shoe company that gives away a pair of shoes for each pair you buy! one for one, nothing in the fine print! last year they gave 10,000 pairs to children in argentina, and this year they are taking an estimated 40,000 pairs to africa, and plans for a shoe drop for needy kids in the US in 2008!

i think i'll buy toms for christmas presents this year... toms and goats!

just one more reason of thousands why i love my mom.

i love that don miller...

"the very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think he is."

he's right, you know? in many ways we form our own image of God from our experiences, politics and how we were raised, and you end up with people truly believing God wants them to kill abortion doctors, or make the homosexual an outcast, or doesn't care if they cheat on their spouse or their taxes. we turn God into a religious formula of our own design, making him in our image, rather than letting ourselves be made into his image. we think we've got God all figured out... but donald miller has something to say about that, too.

"...one of the things you notice about Jesus (is) that he's always going around saying you have heard it said such and such, but i tell you some other thing. if you happened to be a person who thought they knew everything about God, Jesus would have been completely annoying."

night air makes me wax philosophical

i was sitting outside on the porch last night in the dark, looking up through the sprawling leaves of the trees to the stars, drinking in the evening. until i moved here, i didn't know that air really could be "soft" - i'd read it in books, but figured it was poetry, not fact. but the air was so soft last night ... velvety on my skin and smooth somehow. there was no traffic, only crickets and the occasional rustling in the bushes of some small creature waking up. it was really beautiful - and rather than make me feel my 'smallness' in the scope of creation, it made me see that i am part of the largeness of life...made for a reason by the same hand that made the stars and critters that rustle; not a tiny cog in a big wheel, but my own piece of a glorious puzzle. like davy crowder says, "you make everything glorious - what does that make me?"

a conversation with meg...

(meg) "... but why not????"

(me) "because i am the most horrible mother in the world."

(meg) "i am going to go to the mom store and get a new one."

(me) "good idea. what is she like?"

(meg) "she looks like you, and she is like you."

(me) "oh - so basically you're just going to get me for a mom?"

(meg) "yeah - all the other moms are too dull."

(really. that's what she said. my finest moment.)

i'm a grown up now - part II

i recently had a revelation that made me feel, for the first time, like i may actually be a grown up. it was definitely a shock to my system! it was, perhaps, not what you would expect - not how old my kids are, or that i am a homeowner, or that i have grey hair (just a few, but that's enough. trust me.) rather, it was that for the most part my friends have real, grown up jobs. they are psychiatrists & anesthesiologists, microbiologists & vaccine developers, lawyers & teachers! we all used to be kids playing at "grown up" - i knew a bunch of students & wanna be musicians & young moms who read college brochures. but not anymore. i realize that none of them really feel like grown ups, themselves - and i have included photographic evidence of that here for your viewing pleasure! :)

it was just weird - and vaguely alarming - to realize my generation has actually become, or at least is becoming, the generation that is making the world go round.

what a grownup thing to do!

we are closing on our morgage refinance this morning - what a grown up thing to do! this has been fraught with hassles, largely due to our status as visa holding non-citizens, but our morgage broker - (yay, erika from corporate investors morgage!) - worked the system for us like crazy. and technically, to be fair, curtis did all the work on this one...i just have to sign the dotted line. it's kinda nice, actually...

remember the armless, head-butting murderer?

we can all breathe a sigh of relief! there was a follow-up article on msn this morning, and the armless man who head-butted a rival (who then died) for the affections of a mystery woman will only be charged with a misdemeanor ... the coroners report showed that the dead man had serious heart disease & blockage, and died of a heart attack.

on the other hand, it makes the armless head-butt seem less....powerful. in my imagination it was a thing of grandeur, worthy of a moment in "kill bill". *sigh*

i cannot tell you how ferverently i wish there were photos of these people, especially the woman they were fighting over.

serious, debilitating shoe lust

this first pair is actually even on sale... sigh ....

not the season for a peep toe, but ...
i'm not committed to the ankle strap, but the shape of the shoe is fabulous!

not black & white, but looooove the stack!

this is my least fav...not a convincing "giraffe" print...but still...

just imagine these with a great pair of jeans and a blouse...mmm-mm good!

stolen from mark & raj

how does it poop?

phew

tgif, people.

tgif.

300!

this is my 300th post, (holy cow), and i am going to use it announce...

my eyes hurt. they burn a little when they're open looking at things. i do have reading glasses, and i spend hours a day reading or using the computer. i guess i should start using them.

sorry my 300th post is so anticlimactic.

splendor in my backyard

...and me without my camera!!

i looked up from my chair yesterday to see a beautiful young buck stepping out of the woods into our yard! it delicately made it's way until it was standing, fully exposed, smelling around our birdfeeder...breathtakingly beautiful. and after the first click of my camera, the battery d-i-e-d. *sigh* it was like he came and posed in the sun, ready for his close up, and there was me, with a dead camera. i did get one shot, though not the best one.

he was in no hurry to leave, so i watched for a moment...awed at the grace and peacefulness he embodied...when he was joined by 2 more bucks! this is very unusual, to see boys together. we mostly get groups of girls. one of the new bucks was just a "spike" - a little finger of antler sticking out above each ear, but one was huge - the biggest i've seen in nature, with a full rack and broad shoulders...a stunning creature to have wander through my suburban landscape.

those of you who know me well know how i feel about seeing something like that. to quote an old story, "the father of Jesus is very fond of me."

frivilous

sometimes, you just need some down time. mental breathing room. time to do nothing ... on purpose. so last night, with my hubby out of town, i watched the premier of "chuck" on nbc...and it was AWESOME! it somehow avoided so many things that pilots get wrong - it was engaging, the characters were well drawn, the actor who plays Chuck was fantastic - he made Chuck genuine and believeable and cheer-on-able, the story was clear and didn't have a long "porch" (the introduction that goes on and on), it moved at a good pace, it made me laugh, and it made me miss it during the commercials...the only other show that does that is "house" (if you're not watching house, you should be! premier is tonight!) also, it's a nice change of pace from the "ensemble" shows - this story has only a couple of key players, and plenty of room to maneuver. all in all, a home run. i highly recommend it! and nbc is making the full episode available online, incase you missed it...

such a pretty girl!

vincent says: a girl, "Terrapene carolina ssp". we found her in the backyard this morning...and both curtis and i were greatly relieved! we usually have a parade of box turtles through our yard in the summer, but this year we saw not one. until today! we were beginning to worry that the extreme heat combined with the lack of rain had done them in...but we worried in vain. phew!

i hope she lays eggs back there...